Two Weeks till Goodbye

It's time to say goodbye. It will be right at the 5 month mark when we will say goodbye to the littlest. Her mom has done what she needs to do for the state to approve her to get the baby back, and unfortunately, I have no choice but to give away a part of my heart. People constantly ask me how I do it, and comment on how hard it must be and that they could never hand the child back. So, let me share a few things: First off, yes, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. I've given my heart to a child that wasn't mine, that I had no guarantee to get to keep. People say, keep your heart guarded, but you can't. That child needs all the love you can give it. It needs the security your love provides. It needs to know it's safe. Littlest and I have most definitely bonded. She looks for me when she hears my voice, the sight of me can calm her, and when I pick her up from the sitter, she smiles and starts babbling about her day. I love her as if I'd given birth to her. My boys adore her. They love coming home to see her and give her kisses. They help feed her and keep her entertained. They've been great big brothers! It's opened all of our hearts. For the past three weeks, she's been having over nights w/her mom to get her accustomed to going home. The first time, I had a full on panic attack after I left her. My chest was so tight, I had a headache, blurred vision, my legs were completely numb, and I was sobbing. I know she wasn't in harms way, but that was my baby that I was handing over. She'd never been away from me that long. I prayed! The next week was a little easier. My chest was tight, but I was able to keep myself composed. This week, I cried all the way to class, and as I type, I'm still crying. Yes, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. God gave me my hearts desire, and now I'm in the process of handing her back. The most often question I get is, will I do this again? And w/out hesitation, I say, YES! This has been the most life changing experience! Through this, I've learned to rely on God in all things. To know that He is our protector, our place of strength, and that He alone is in control. I've gotten to know the littlest's mom. In fact, we have a very good relationship. She's even asked me to be the littlest's God mom. She's started attending church w/me at the beginning of this month, and appears to want to continue. I know I've made an eternal difference in both of their lives. God has taught me how to be compassionate and less judgmental. It's very easy to want to judge this person who did bad things to get their child taken away, but thankfully God has won my heart. Otherwise, I truly wouldn't have made the full impact that He would have wanted. So yes, I will take more and allow myself to continue to be molded by Him. Does any of that make it any easier to deal with? I wish I could say yes, but no. My heart breaks daily, and daily I turn to God to bring healing. Please keep me in your prayers as her return date is Halloween. Keep my boys in your prayers as they will be giving back their little sister. Keep the littlest in your prayers that it will be a smooth transition for her. And most importantly, please keep her mom in your prayers. Pray that she will keep doing what she needs to do for this precious child. Pray that God will continue to work on her heart. Stay tuned...my journey isn't over yet :)