wanting

So today has been a day full of wants and then rejection. One of the girls that used to work at my office came in to show her little girl Emma off, and she's SO CUTE! I want a little girl SO BAD. I know I should be happy that I have two healthy little boys, but I can't help myself. On one hand, I know I'm not in any position to be having another baby being that I'm a single mom. But then the other part of me says if I had $1000 to spend, why not impregnate myself and have another one. Really, what's one more? I know crazy talk, but still thoughts that go through my head. And it doesn't help that when I walk past a mirror I look like I'm 3months preggo simply because I've gained weight for no apparent reason that I can't lose to save my life. I've start exercising which I NEVER do, and I've been drinking water which I HATE. My doctor says it's stress, and that she's honestly surprised I don't weigh more w/everything I've dealt w/over the past couple years. But, sadly, that doesn't make me feel any better about anything!

Then there's work. I wanted SO BAD to get off nights and work days. I deserve it, right? I've worked nights since I went back after having Asher because I'm always the one to work around daycare needs of the boys. But I HATE working nights! I hate that I really only see my boys when putting them to bed at nights and long enough to feed them breakfast in the mornings. I hate not being able to have any social life because I work till 9 at nights. Of course, I realize that being a single mom puts a cramp on my social life as it is but my work schedule only increases it. And, I realize I should be thankful that 1. I even HAVE a job and 2. that my job is very flexible w/me and my needs, but still....
Then there's my van. It has so many quirks. I really thought getting a newer vehicle would help solve all the mechanical issues I'd been having, but nope. I mean none of them are major. The van still drives great. The a/c works which is HUGE for me. It's not falling apart. It's just annoying little things that on a day like today just get to you.
And of course, there's more but I think I've whined enough for today. I guess today someone should tell me to be thankful for what I have been given and stop being so ungrateful. I know God has provided for me, and even when He closes doors, that He has other plans for me. Just days like today get to me. I'll stop whining now and cuddle up to my youngest. Blessings to all!