Days 10 & 11

Sunday didn't start out so great. I had the car started and cleaned off, got the boys dressed and out the door for church, only to find that Shaun didn't leave me Jaden's carseat. Luckily, my sister was coming to church w/me, so I asked her to pick up his extra one that we leave at my parent's. We missed all of the worship :( but at least me made it. And, w/the roads being so bad and w/running so far behind, I didn't even have time to think about donuts as I drove right past it. I went bowling w/a friend, and out to eat afterwards. I will admit, I think a few things weren't on the list of approved, but it's not like I was eating steak and chocolate cake. For me, I was still denying myself and my desires which I think is the main point of the fast along w/growing closer to God in the process.
Today, has been good as well. Today though has been an eye opening day. Today I've learned that instead of letting God rule my life, I've been letting fear rule my life. Examples: I got good grades in HS for fear of not being good enough, not that it did me any good. I became bulimic for fear that I'd never have any friends if I wasn't the perfect weight, this too was in HS and really didn't do much good. I married shaun for fear of looking like a failure for calling off a wedding so close to happening. Yes, there were red flags that I ignored and in the long run, just made me look like an even bigger failure bc now I'm divorced which is a big sin in the Christian world. Even though God doesn't classify sins, the majority of the Christian world struggles w/it. Anyways, that is a whole nother soap box, back on subject. I stayed w/Brian for the fear of being alone w/no one to turn to. Brian was a lot of things that I wanted in a man, but while he came to church once a month out of "support", there's no way he really could have supported me in my faith. I was settling AGAIN, out of fear. Now, does this eye opening experience mean I'm cured? Nope, pretty sure it doesn't. But, I'm praying it's one step closer to being where I need to be and that God will lead from here to get me through the tough times! Weren't expecting all of that now were you? :)