why

All I have to say about this past month is AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It has so many twists and turns and lows that most days I don't know what to do. I'm fighting w/my daycare bc they want to take away the full school year scholarship that they gave me. Infact, they gave me a $400 bill for 4wks of school that I knew NOTHING about and thought it was going to be ok bc they were going to give me time to pay it since they knew I wasn't aware of it So my "answer to prayer" has become a nightmare. I want the boys to be able to go to preschool and I for sure need daycare while I work, but what they want me to pay will take every last extra penny I have leaving nothing to buy food with or buy clothes with or anything else for that matter. So, I could use prayer bc I'm fighting it, what other choice do I have? How someone can take away a scholarship still baffles me!
My blood pressure is up. Has been for the last couple weeks, that I'm aware of. Work is another huge stress. I'm so tired of knowing I get paid the least but expected to pick up everyone else's slack. I get in trouble when I don't do their jobs well enough for them, get in trouble when they feel intimidated bc I am doing their jobs for them, and on top of it all, still expected to do my job! Most days it feels like a no win situation...wonder why?
It's winter which means another huge expense bc coats and hats and mittens and boots and the next sz up clothes all have to be bought. And in the midst of it, I feel so absolutely alone. Bc, even though it was my dad who decided to abuse my child, it's me who's paying the price. My family is doing what they do best and acting as if nothing needs to change. I'm the bad person. My dad has had a history of abuse for EIGHTEEN years, but until it or should I say he hits them personally, I'm just blowing things out of proportion. Bc so far, he's managed to only lash out at me and now my son. Their church does nothing about it. He's allowed to lead Sunday school classes. The pastor just swept it all under the rug. Of course it's all me, right! If no one is going to come out of the world of denial that they've been hiding in for so long that it feels like reality, nothing is going to happen and nothing is going to change. And, he knows how to say he's sorry real well. But how many sorry's do I have to hear before enough is enough? For me, touching my son was the enough, no more sorrys will ever do bc the trust is finally broken, and I'm not sure it will ever be repaired.
Nothing will change for them, but things have changed for me bc now I'm not apart of my family. Heaven forbid they tell my dad that since this is all his fault bc of something he did, that HE should have to be the one to leave family functions so that my boys and I can be part of the family. No bc again, that would mean coming out of the denial and facing up to the fact that there truly is a problem! So, my boys don't get to see their nephews and neice. They get to see Mimi maybe once a week. I should say that Bethany, Wesley, Jenny and Charity have all made an effort to stay in contact, but it's not the same. It never will be. Bc until the world of denial is dropped, my children and I will never be apart of my family. And it hurts!! It hurts that I'll be all alone for holidays. It hurts that while one of my sisters has had my parent's paying her bills for over a year now, I get absolutely no help. The reason I need daycare is bc of what my dad did, but it doesn't matter. I'm left to do it on my own. But what doesn't kill you is supposed to make you stronger, right?

In other news, Asher has his speech testing on Wednesday. Tomorrow the lady comes to the house to get started on his early intervetion. We're supposed to meet wkly for 2hrs at my home. So at least it's not one more thing for us to get up and out of the house for.

You've obviously heard my rants which by the way are also my prayer requests. Here are my praises for the week. Asher had a fairly good week at school. He was well behaved and did what he was told the majority of the time. I found costumes that I could afford, and that were in the right sizes for the boys. I got a SUPER good deal on a coat for J. It's the kind w/the fall jacket as the liner, you can use the outer coat for when winter is just starting, and put it all together for when winter really comes to town! It was already 30% off, and I had another 30% coupon on top of it...YAY My windshield wipers on the van have been working rather well which is a good thing w/all the rain we've been having. And lastly, I'm again thankful for my boyfriend. Bc I know I've been on edge recently and a lot of times ready to fight bc of how frustrated I am w/everything else going on around me. But he hasn't taken any of it personally, and has really been there for me.

I am claiming that God will hear my cries and provide a way!!