Two Weeks till Goodbye

It's time to say goodbye. It will be right at the 5 month mark when we will say goodbye to the littlest. Her mom has done what she needs to do for the state to approve her to get the baby back, and unfortunately, I have no choice but to give away a part of my heart. People constantly ask me how I do it, and comment on how hard it must be and that they could never hand the child back. So, let me share a few things: First off, yes, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. I've given my heart to a child that wasn't mine, that I had no guarantee to get to keep. People say, keep your heart guarded, but you can't. That child needs all the love you can give it. It needs the security your love provides. It needs to know it's safe. Littlest and I have most definitely bonded. She looks for me when she hears my voice, the sight of me can calm her, and when I pick her up from the sitter, she smiles and starts babbling about her day. I love her as if I'd given birth to her. My boys adore her. They love coming home to see her and give her kisses. They help feed her and keep her entertained. They've been great big brothers! It's opened all of our hearts. For the past three weeks, she's been having over nights w/her mom to get her accustomed to going home. The first time, I had a full on panic attack after I left her. My chest was so tight, I had a headache, blurred vision, my legs were completely numb, and I was sobbing. I know she wasn't in harms way, but that was my baby that I was handing over. She'd never been away from me that long. I prayed! The next week was a little easier. My chest was tight, but I was able to keep myself composed. This week, I cried all the way to class, and as I type, I'm still crying. Yes, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. God gave me my hearts desire, and now I'm in the process of handing her back. The most often question I get is, will I do this again? And w/out hesitation, I say, YES! This has been the most life changing experience! Through this, I've learned to rely on God in all things. To know that He is our protector, our place of strength, and that He alone is in control. I've gotten to know the littlest's mom. In fact, we have a very good relationship. She's even asked me to be the littlest's God mom. She's started attending church w/me at the beginning of this month, and appears to want to continue. I know I've made an eternal difference in both of their lives. God has taught me how to be compassionate and less judgmental. It's very easy to want to judge this person who did bad things to get their child taken away, but thankfully God has won my heart. Otherwise, I truly wouldn't have made the full impact that He would have wanted. So yes, I will take more and allow myself to continue to be molded by Him. Does any of that make it any easier to deal with? I wish I could say yes, but no. My heart breaks daily, and daily I turn to God to bring healing. Please keep me in your prayers as her return date is Halloween. Keep my boys in your prayers as they will be giving back their little sister. Keep the littlest in your prayers that it will be a smooth transition for her. And most importantly, please keep her mom in your prayers. Pray that she will keep doing what she needs to do for this precious child. Pray that God will continue to work on her heart. Stay tuned...my journey isn't over yet :)

The Journey

When did my journey start? Lets see, I think anyone that has known me for any length of time, knows that being a mother has always been my life's calling. When I was little, I used to say I'd have 24 kids...12 natural and 12 adopted. I think my mom might have talked me down from that number, but a big family w/adopted children has always been my calling. When I started at KVCC to get my associates, I often wondered if I wasn't trusting God to take care of me in my life's mission of motherhood, but it felt like the right path at the right time. My boys were in school. I could go to school myself and still be available for them when they needed me, but the desire to adopt and add to my family never left. Being a single mother is hard, but it's never deterred me from following my callings. But while my calling started at a very young age, my journey started last November. November 3rd of last year, I felt God say, "it's time". Now, I had a plan that I thought I was supposed to be following. I was going to school, and the goal was to make it all the way to my Masters. After I got a stable job and moved us out of where we are now, I'd start the process to foster and adopt. But that night, going against MY plan, I got online and asked for info about doing foster care w/the intent to adopt. The next day, to my surprise, it was adoption Sunday. My pastor spoke on how adoption started w/the Christians in Egypt rescuing children who were literally being cast into dung piles to die. Then that week at my Bible study, it was about God's calling in your life, and I just cried at how I felt God was affirming His timing in all this. But, leave it to us humans to plant fear and doubt into others, and by the end of that week, I was wondering if I really felt God or just myself. That Sunday, my pastor spoke about how Satan uses fears to keep us from accomplishing what He has called us to. Can you say, "ok God, I hear you!" w/me?? I must say, God has worked like that through this whole process. I had friends who felt God leading them to buy me a crib. I found a dealer to do a straight up trade for my 4 seater Honda Element for an 8 seater Honda Pilot. I didn't put a penny down, and I don't owe a penny. I had people come out of the woodwork to write reference letters to help get me approved. Every single one of our family's doctors signed off on the process w/out hesitation. God has just opened doors and moved mountains, and I've enjoyed watching Him work in this all. So the beginning of May, I was finally approved and received my notice in the mail that I was officially licensed to do foster care! Then the wait started. W/the goal of adopting, my heart's desire was for a young little girl. I wanted her to be young so that she would blend into our family easier, and of course, I've always wanted my little girl. But, I knew the wait for infants could be long. I felt my life was on hold, just waiting for that call. Then on May 29 at 11:30am, I got a call stating that an infant girl might be coming into custody, and would I take her if she did? Well, of course I said yes w/out hesitation! And then the waiting began again. Would the judge order the child out? What would she be like? Would she be a good baby? That day at 6pm, this beautiful, 1 week old, precious preemie weighing only 5 pounds and 2 ounces who was smaller than any baby I had ever seen was placed into my arms, and I've been hooked ever since. The littlest, as I refer to her, has been one of the best babies God could have ever given me. She's now over 7 pounds, but still a little peanut. She smiles and is starting to coo. Both Jaden and Asher just adore her!! She's fit in wonderfully in our lives and hearts. There is no definite as to whether or not we get to keep her at this point, but we pray for the situation and for her mother daily. We'll love on her for as long as God let's us, and I know we'll love on more. God is undeniably good, and I am beyond blessed!!!