That's all I can say right now, bc if I hadn't found this church where I could connect and re-energize, I'd be a lot worse off right now! There is SO much going on in my life right now, where to start????
The boys were sick this wkend. I don't know what it was, but you could just tell, they weren't themselves. Asher slept w/me Thur-Sat night, and Jaden slept w/me Sun night,and they ONLY sleep w/me when they're not feeling well. Jaden now has pink eye. We upped his allergy meds AGAIN. If this doesn't work, they may send him to a specialist. Shaun thinks he may have asthma.
I have a sexual harrassment case at work that nothing is being done about. I get sexually harrassed daily at that place, it's just unreal! So, I'm in the process of looking for a new job. I respect myself enough to know that enough is enough. If I didn't have a family to support, I would have walked out on Monday. Today I was literally sick at work, and I don't know if it was simply being at work or if it's bc I'm so run down right now.
I got he paperwork for the divorce today. Shaun and I went out to eat on Friday night to talk about things. I was really hoping that we'd try to work on things b4 calling it quits, but I guess that's just not going to happen. Too many things that we'll never get passed or give up. Silly me did hope in the back of her head that we'd be able to work on things and change for the better and maybe, just maybe, be a healthy family, but again, that was just silly ol' me. The reality of everything has just been hitting me pretty hard this past week. I haven't been sleeping well. I can't go to sleep, nor can I wake up in the mornings. I have no energy to do anything. I stay on the go so that I don't have to think, but that doesn't solve anything. In fact, it might make things worse. There are days I feel VERY alone! People always ask, "are you ok?" Well, no, how could I be. How could I be when my world is crashing in around me??? Then there's the, "what can I do?" Your typical answer is "just pray", and yes, I need prayer, I need lots of it. What I really need are things people can't give me. I need money to pay the bills. I need a maid bc I don't have the energy to clean even at the level which I used to, and according to my mother, even that was never enough. I need a day off from everything. I need a massage to ease my aching muscles. I need things to be okay, but nothing is okay in my life. I need to go to bed.....
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my boys are my life
tender hearted and handsome
stubborn but always my baby
About Me
- Holly
- I'm a single mom just trying not to screw it up. Relying on God to continue to provide and lead the way. Working towards my Bachelors, taking care of fosters, and loving on my boys...not much more I could ask for. Trying to love life and love myself.
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my boys are my life
Jaden
tender hearted and handsome
Asher
stubborn but always my baby
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4 comments:
Wow! It seems like trouble follows you around!! Hope things improve soon!
Holly, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It is not going to be an easy road. I am so glad that you found the support group at your church. You might also want to make an appt. with your doctor to discuss your symptoms of depression. You need the energy to make it through each day with your sweet little boys. Have you ever gone to fly lady.com? She's a little over the top, but I still practice a lot of her suggestions for keeping a clean and orderly house. I will be praying for you and your family.
I am glad you found a church that you enjoy! I am sorry that your life does not seem to be on track right now, but I assure you of two things 1-it can always be worse 2-you will come through all of this with flying colors! You and Shaun made not be right for each other but you made two beautiful children togather and that it what you need to be thankful for. When you hit what you feel is your lowest point and all you want to do is curl up in a ball and go unoticed, get a picture of the boys and think to yourself that they live for you, you are their life and without everything that you do for them (even though other people say your cleaning skills are not enough) means the world to them and no matter how bad you screw up (well I guess there would be a certain point but I don't think you will hit that) they love and need you and the little things and moments are what counts most in life. I hope you can understand what I am saying and you feel somewhat better....
Besides all of that don't they say that if you let something go and it comes back to you..blah blah blah...well why not look your best when he comes around...maybe that will leave him thinking about what he has given up??
I also agree with your friend, go to the doctor see if there is something they can do to help. And keep getting it out of your system..even if it is only writing it instead of screaming at the top of your lungs!!! If you do not let it out it will just build and you may take it out on the wrong person.....I hope things get better for you and will keep you in my prayers.
Back to the cleaning skills....you have children whom will not be children forever so every second you scrub that walls is a second in which you miss your child's life. The dishes will be there later your kids may not...
I do thank God for my boys bc they are the only thing that gets me through the days most times!
As for the house cleaning, anonymous #2, I tend to agree w/you in the fact that my chores will always be there, but my kids will not. Unfortunately, not many people see it that way. It's not like my house is disgusting, it's just very cluttered. Chores are half done. It drives my mom AND Shaun crazy, but I've always felt like spending time w/my kids is way more important then anything else could be.
Thanks for the support guys!!
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