10.05.2009
there's more?
Well, to top everything off, today my department was pulled into a meeting to be told that at the latest, by June of '10 only 5 of us will have a job. And my position is not one of the ones that will be kept. They're centralizing everything to save money for the company. Yep, so soon enough, I will also be w/out a job. YAY for me!
10.04.2009
why
All I have to say about this past month is AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It has so many twists and turns and lows that most days I don't know what to do. I'm fighting w/my daycare bc they want to take away the full school year scholarship that they gave me. Infact, they gave me a $400 bill for 4wks of school that I knew NOTHING about and thought it was going to be ok bc they were going to give me time to pay it since they knew I wasn't aware of it So my "answer to prayer" has become a nightmare. I want the boys to be able to go to preschool and I for sure need daycare while I work, but what they want me to pay will take every last extra penny I have leaving nothing to buy food with or buy clothes with or anything else for that matter. So, I could use prayer bc I'm fighting it, what other choice do I have? How someone can take away a scholarship still baffles me!
My blood pressure is up. Has been for the last couple weeks, that I'm aware of. Work is another huge stress. I'm so tired of knowing I get paid the least but expected to pick up everyone else's slack. I get in trouble when I don't do their jobs well enough for them, get in trouble when they feel intimidated bc I am doing their jobs for them, and on top of it all, still expected to do my job! Most days it feels like a no win situation...wonder why?
It's winter which means another huge expense bc coats and hats and mittens and boots and the next sz up clothes all have to be bought. And in the midst of it, I feel so absolutely alone. Bc, even though it was my dad who decided to abuse my child, it's me who's paying the price. My family is doing what they do best and acting as if nothing needs to change. I'm the bad person. My dad has had a history of abuse for EIGHTEEN years, but until it or should I say he hits them personally, I'm just blowing things out of proportion. Bc so far, he's managed to only lash out at me and now my son. Their church does nothing about it. He's allowed to lead Sunday school classes. The pastor just swept it all under the rug. Of course it's all me, right! If no one is going to come out of the world of denial that they've been hiding in for so long that it feels like reality, nothing is going to happen and nothing is going to change. And, he knows how to say he's sorry real well. But how many sorry's do I have to hear before enough is enough? For me, touching my son was the enough, no more sorrys will ever do bc the trust is finally broken, and I'm not sure it will ever be repaired.
Nothing will change for them, but things have changed for me bc now I'm not apart of my family. Heaven forbid they tell my dad that since this is all his fault bc of something he did, that HE should have to be the one to leave family functions so that my boys and I can be part of the family. No bc again, that would mean coming out of the denial and facing up to the fact that there truly is a problem! So, my boys don't get to see their nephews and neice. They get to see Mimi maybe once a week. I should say that Bethany, Wesley, Jenny and Charity have all made an effort to stay in contact, but it's not the same. It never will be. Bc until the world of denial is dropped, my children and I will never be apart of my family. And it hurts!! It hurts that I'll be all alone for holidays. It hurts that while one of my sisters has had my parent's paying her bills for over a year now, I get absolutely no help. The reason I need daycare is bc of what my dad did, but it doesn't matter. I'm left to do it on my own. But what doesn't kill you is supposed to make you stronger, right?
In other news, Asher has his speech testing on Wednesday. Tomorrow the lady comes to the house to get started on his early intervetion. We're supposed to meet wkly for 2hrs at my home. So at least it's not one more thing for us to get up and out of the house for.
You've obviously heard my rants which by the way are also my prayer requests. Here are my praises for the week. Asher had a fairly good week at school. He was well behaved and did what he was told the majority of the time. I found costumes that I could afford, and that were in the right sizes for the boys. I got a SUPER good deal on a coat for J. It's the kind w/the fall jacket as the liner, you can use the outer coat for when winter is just starting, and put it all together for when winter really comes to town! It was already 30% off, and I had another 30% coupon on top of it...YAY My windshield wipers on the van have been working rather well which is a good thing w/all the rain we've been having. And lastly, I'm again thankful for my boyfriend. Bc I know I've been on edge recently and a lot of times ready to fight bc of how frustrated I am w/everything else going on around me. But he hasn't taken any of it personally, and has really been there for me.
I am claiming that God will hear my cries and provide a way!!
My blood pressure is up. Has been for the last couple weeks, that I'm aware of. Work is another huge stress. I'm so tired of knowing I get paid the least but expected to pick up everyone else's slack. I get in trouble when I don't do their jobs well enough for them, get in trouble when they feel intimidated bc I am doing their jobs for them, and on top of it all, still expected to do my job! Most days it feels like a no win situation...wonder why?
It's winter which means another huge expense bc coats and hats and mittens and boots and the next sz up clothes all have to be bought. And in the midst of it, I feel so absolutely alone. Bc, even though it was my dad who decided to abuse my child, it's me who's paying the price. My family is doing what they do best and acting as if nothing needs to change. I'm the bad person. My dad has had a history of abuse for EIGHTEEN years, but until it or should I say he hits them personally, I'm just blowing things out of proportion. Bc so far, he's managed to only lash out at me and now my son. Their church does nothing about it. He's allowed to lead Sunday school classes. The pastor just swept it all under the rug. Of course it's all me, right! If no one is going to come out of the world of denial that they've been hiding in for so long that it feels like reality, nothing is going to happen and nothing is going to change. And, he knows how to say he's sorry real well. But how many sorry's do I have to hear before enough is enough? For me, touching my son was the enough, no more sorrys will ever do bc the trust is finally broken, and I'm not sure it will ever be repaired.
Nothing will change for them, but things have changed for me bc now I'm not apart of my family. Heaven forbid they tell my dad that since this is all his fault bc of something he did, that HE should have to be the one to leave family functions so that my boys and I can be part of the family. No bc again, that would mean coming out of the denial and facing up to the fact that there truly is a problem! So, my boys don't get to see their nephews and neice. They get to see Mimi maybe once a week. I should say that Bethany, Wesley, Jenny and Charity have all made an effort to stay in contact, but it's not the same. It never will be. Bc until the world of denial is dropped, my children and I will never be apart of my family. And it hurts!! It hurts that I'll be all alone for holidays. It hurts that while one of my sisters has had my parent's paying her bills for over a year now, I get absolutely no help. The reason I need daycare is bc of what my dad did, but it doesn't matter. I'm left to do it on my own. But what doesn't kill you is supposed to make you stronger, right?
In other news, Asher has his speech testing on Wednesday. Tomorrow the lady comes to the house to get started on his early intervetion. We're supposed to meet wkly for 2hrs at my home. So at least it's not one more thing for us to get up and out of the house for.
You've obviously heard my rants which by the way are also my prayer requests. Here are my praises for the week. Asher had a fairly good week at school. He was well behaved and did what he was told the majority of the time. I found costumes that I could afford, and that were in the right sizes for the boys. I got a SUPER good deal on a coat for J. It's the kind w/the fall jacket as the liner, you can use the outer coat for when winter is just starting, and put it all together for when winter really comes to town! It was already 30% off, and I had another 30% coupon on top of it...YAY My windshield wipers on the van have been working rather well which is a good thing w/all the rain we've been having. And lastly, I'm again thankful for my boyfriend. Bc I know I've been on edge recently and a lot of times ready to fight bc of how frustrated I am w/everything else going on around me. But he hasn't taken any of it personally, and has really been there for me.
I am claiming that God will hear my cries and provide a way!!
9.23.2009
Preliminary Evaluations
So the boys had their preliminary evaluations today. Jaden did so good at listening and doing as he was directed. I could tell he got frustrated from time to time. He would sigh and put his hand to his face. I was so proud of him for what he did know, my heart hurt for him when I could see him struggling, and I learned a few things about him that I didn't know. He was in the middle for about everything, but they're having him meet w/the OT and speech therapist anyways. He goes back in October.
Then there's Asher. I don't know what's changed or going on w/him, but these past weeks he's become unbearable. He's really acting out, I mean BAD! I'm pretty much at my whits end w/him. He's even acting out enough at school that he was told he can't go on their field trip tomorrow. Anyways, I'm getting ahead of my story. Asher had his evaluations today. He's doing fine developmentally, but he's meeting w/the speech therapist next week. I have a strong feeling he will be having speech therapy. But while we were there the lady mentioned they do psych evaluations, and of course, I said sign Asher up for anger management classes...lol Anyways, she said it was only for things that affect school, and I said, well he's going to get himself kicked out of preschool w/his behavior. Anyways, she gave me the name of this lady who actually has a program called "keep my child in preschool". So I gave her a call today and left a message. I'm not sure what exactly she does, but I'm excited to start seeking some outside help/advice for Asher. I've tried everything I can think of. I pray about him everytime I say my prayers. He's only getting worse. I try talking to him, but if he really understands what it is thats bothering him, he won't tell me.
I also had an appointment this week. Actually, I have one tomorrow too. I had blood work done yesterday to see if maybe I'm having thyroid issues, but now that I'm writing this, I realize they were supposed to call today if there was something wrong. So, I guess nothing is wrong w/my thyroid which means that it's stress. Which really doesn't make me feel any better because I don't think any new medication is going to cure that from my life. Tomorrow I meet w/my gyno, and if all turns out good, I'll start going yearly to have check ups on the cervical cancer. My doctor is fairly certain all will be good.
Please surround my family w/prayer because we need a lot of it! I truly don't know how much more I can take at this poing in my life. It seems like I can never catch a break, and even when I do, it's only a matter of time before it's taken right out from underneith me again. There is a lot of things, a lot of struggles, a lot of unanswerables, I just need prayer!!!
Then there's Asher. I don't know what's changed or going on w/him, but these past weeks he's become unbearable. He's really acting out, I mean BAD! I'm pretty much at my whits end w/him. He's even acting out enough at school that he was told he can't go on their field trip tomorrow. Anyways, I'm getting ahead of my story. Asher had his evaluations today. He's doing fine developmentally, but he's meeting w/the speech therapist next week. I have a strong feeling he will be having speech therapy. But while we were there the lady mentioned they do psych evaluations, and of course, I said sign Asher up for anger management classes...lol Anyways, she said it was only for things that affect school, and I said, well he's going to get himself kicked out of preschool w/his behavior. Anyways, she gave me the name of this lady who actually has a program called "keep my child in preschool". So I gave her a call today and left a message. I'm not sure what exactly she does, but I'm excited to start seeking some outside help/advice for Asher. I've tried everything I can think of. I pray about him everytime I say my prayers. He's only getting worse. I try talking to him, but if he really understands what it is thats bothering him, he won't tell me.
I also had an appointment this week. Actually, I have one tomorrow too. I had blood work done yesterday to see if maybe I'm having thyroid issues, but now that I'm writing this, I realize they were supposed to call today if there was something wrong. So, I guess nothing is wrong w/my thyroid which means that it's stress. Which really doesn't make me feel any better because I don't think any new medication is going to cure that from my life. Tomorrow I meet w/my gyno, and if all turns out good, I'll start going yearly to have check ups on the cervical cancer. My doctor is fairly certain all will be good.
Please surround my family w/prayer because we need a lot of it! I truly don't know how much more I can take at this poing in my life. It seems like I can never catch a break, and even when I do, it's only a matter of time before it's taken right out from underneith me again. There is a lot of things, a lot of struggles, a lot of unanswerables, I just need prayer!!!
9.06.2009
Splash Universe
So, I knew I wanted to do something w/the boys this weekend. It's been so long since we've gotten away. So Thursday night around 9:30 I cordinated w/my family to go away last night to Splash Universe in Shipshewana. So last night as soon as I got out of work, we loaded up the boys, and my mom, my sister Charity and myself headed out. It was a fairly uneventful trip other than my brakes on my van are being fickle. Sometimes they choose to light up and sometimes not. That of course started Thursday night, and I wasn't told about it till Friday at work by my co-worker who had followed me out of work. So, I'll have to have Brian look that over this weekend, but we made it there safe and sound.
I wasn't sure if we'd be able to use our passes that night or how late the park would be open, but we were allowed and it was open till 10 giving us 1hr of swim time. Charity and I took the boys while my mom relaxed back in the room. At first Asher didn't want to do much but we did finally get him to go down the tubes w/us. He was SO CUTE! He absolutely loved it, but he had to cover his eyes...lol They were tired little people w/it being such a late night and swimming...
Today we woke up bright and early so we could get in swimming and shopping. My mom came w/to take pictures. Of course, then Asher wanted to do the park w/Mimi, and Mimi didn't wear her swim suit bc she was just planning on taking pictures. So it took us a while to get Asher back into the water park, but eventually he was having fun.
BEFORE we convinced him to swim w/out Mimi
Asher wouldn't look at the camera
Around 10:30 we went back to the room to give the boys a snack before having to check out of the room by 11:00. Asher didn't want to go back swimming so he went shopping w/Mimi for a bit, and Charity and I took J back to the park. We were there for about another hour and a half and then called it a day. We met my mom and Asher and went to lunch at the Blue Gate. I LOVE their food there! I for sure didn't stick w/in my sparkpeople guidelines this weekend..lol After lunch we went shopping. We found this fabric shop that had THE CUTEST fabrics EVER!!! I've never seen such cute fabrics. I mean, I could have bought some of almost everything in there, and the store was huge! The boys got to ride the carosel and had some candy and popcorn. I really was surprised that they didn't fall asleep on the ride home bc they were for sure tired! They were cranky while shopping, but not too bad. J didn't want to walk bc he was tired, but he's SO HEAVY to push. And, Asher wanted to walk but was touching everything, so we made him ride. All in all, we all had a lot of fun! Might even do it again soon which I know the boys would love :)
Shortly after I got back, I met up w/Miss Theresa, my friend Christine (both co-workers) and Christine's SO Kenni. We went to Firekeepers just to check it out. We'd been hearing all sorts of things from people, and well, curiousity killed the cat :) I lost $40, $20 mine and $20 Miss Theresa's. It just wasn't my night :( But my good friend Christine was on fire w/the $20 Miss Theresa gave her and shared $20 of her winnings w/me. So, I walked away w/out winning and while I lost, walked away w/exactly what I walked in with.
Afterwards we went to Don Pablos for dinner. I'd been there once before and had really enjoyed the food. So since we weren't too far away, we all liked it, and we don't go there very often, we decided to head there for dinner. The food was good, but the company was better! We had a lot of fun, and closed down the restaurant just talking.
Not sure what the boys and I will do on Monday, but I think even if we just sit at home and do nothing, that we had a great weekend already!!
I wasn't sure if we'd be able to use our passes that night or how late the park would be open, but we were allowed and it was open till 10 giving us 1hr of swim time. Charity and I took the boys while my mom relaxed back in the room. At first Asher didn't want to do much but we did finally get him to go down the tubes w/us. He was SO CUTE! He absolutely loved it, but he had to cover his eyes...lol They were tired little people w/it being such a late night and swimming...
Today we woke up bright and early so we could get in swimming and shopping. My mom came w/to take pictures. Of course, then Asher wanted to do the park w/Mimi, and Mimi didn't wear her swim suit bc she was just planning on taking pictures. So it took us a while to get Asher back into the water park, but eventually he was having fun.
BEFORE we convinced him to swim w/out Mimi
Asher wouldn't look at the camera
Around 10:30 we went back to the room to give the boys a snack before having to check out of the room by 11:00. Asher didn't want to go back swimming so he went shopping w/Mimi for a bit, and Charity and I took J back to the park. We were there for about another hour and a half and then called it a day. We met my mom and Asher and went to lunch at the Blue Gate. I LOVE their food there! I for sure didn't stick w/in my sparkpeople guidelines this weekend..lol After lunch we went shopping. We found this fabric shop that had THE CUTEST fabrics EVER!!! I've never seen such cute fabrics. I mean, I could have bought some of almost everything in there, and the store was huge! The boys got to ride the carosel and had some candy and popcorn. I really was surprised that they didn't fall asleep on the ride home bc they were for sure tired! They were cranky while shopping, but not too bad. J didn't want to walk bc he was tired, but he's SO HEAVY to push. And, Asher wanted to walk but was touching everything, so we made him ride. All in all, we all had a lot of fun! Might even do it again soon which I know the boys would love :)
Shortly after I got back, I met up w/Miss Theresa, my friend Christine (both co-workers) and Christine's SO Kenni. We went to Firekeepers just to check it out. We'd been hearing all sorts of things from people, and well, curiousity killed the cat :) I lost $40, $20 mine and $20 Miss Theresa's. It just wasn't my night :( But my good friend Christine was on fire w/the $20 Miss Theresa gave her and shared $20 of her winnings w/me. So, I walked away w/out winning and while I lost, walked away w/exactly what I walked in with.
Afterwards we went to Don Pablos for dinner. I'd been there once before and had really enjoyed the food. So since we weren't too far away, we all liked it, and we don't go there very often, we decided to head there for dinner. The food was good, but the company was better! We had a lot of fun, and closed down the restaurant just talking.
Not sure what the boys and I will do on Monday, but I think even if we just sit at home and do nothing, that we had a great weekend already!!
9.03.2009
testing & packing
So, last year J's teachers told us that he's not where he needs to be developmentally. We of course attributed a lot of it to his eye issues and ear issues and decided to wait till we got those out of the way. But when we went to the eye specialist, they told us it shouldn't be affecting his vision that significantly. So, we or maybe I decided to follow up and schedule testing. And, I figured while I was at it, I'd have Asher tested for his speach as well. He does good w/speaking but has a stuttering issue. It's not that he can't get the whole word out, it's like he can't get past the word and on to the next. So, the week of the 20th both boys will be tested. They'll do an initial 1.5hr test for each, and we'll go from there. While I pray that it's nothing major, I want to be proactive on this while they're young so that hopefully we can work through it before they start school. Which for J is NEXT YEAR!!! My baby will be in preschool :( It doesn't seem possible.....
And, I'm packing because I'm taking the boys away this weekend for a mini-vaca at the water park in Shipshewana. Between me working all the time and being short on money, we haven't really been able to do anything in a while. And next week they both start preschool. I just thought it was a perfect time w/the 3day wkend to go do something fun. I had a little money stashed away for a rainy day and decided what the heck. I called and got my sister's to come along for support and got my mom to come too because I knew she'd been wanting to go to Shipshewana anyways. the boys are super excited, and I must say so am I!! We'll leave tomorrow as soon as I get out of work (which of course won't be able to come soon enough), and we'll come back tomorrow night. Praying for a safe ride and a great time w/my family!!!
And, I'm packing because I'm taking the boys away this weekend for a mini-vaca at the water park in Shipshewana. Between me working all the time and being short on money, we haven't really been able to do anything in a while. And next week they both start preschool. I just thought it was a perfect time w/the 3day wkend to go do something fun. I had a little money stashed away for a rainy day and decided what the heck. I called and got my sister's to come along for support and got my mom to come too because I knew she'd been wanting to go to Shipshewana anyways. the boys are super excited, and I must say so am I!! We'll leave tomorrow as soon as I get out of work (which of course won't be able to come soon enough), and we'll come back tomorrow night. Praying for a safe ride and a great time w/my family!!!
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