I am from a prison masquerading as a home
From no freedom and unspeakable abuse.
I am from Robert, my dad and Kathy, my mom
From walls that heard what outsiders weren't allowed.
I am from a family masquerading as Christians
From hypocrisy at it's finest.
I am from church every time the doors were open
From fake smiles to hide the fights on the way in.
I am from hour long lectures and sometimes just as long beatings
From near death at the hands of my father.
I am from "you're worthless, you can't do anything right"
From a loss of childhood.
I am from a grandmother who was the only one to stand up for me
From her early death, the loss of my hero.
I am from the death of my soul
From what could have, should have been the death of me.
I am from all of these things
But I am not dead.
I am alive, strong, and independent.
I am to my children what I never had
I am the end of a cycle, a survivor.
This is my first English assignment. I know it's taboo to speak of such things in public, but I thought it turned out really well. And it is what it is. This is my past, it can't be changed, and I am the person I am today because of it.
9.12.2011
8.21.2011
it's official
I am officially done working! I worked last monday, had PTO the rest of the week, and now I'm done. It's a little scary, but for the next chapter in my life, I will be focusing on getting a degree and taking care of my boys. I honestly can not wait for my thirties, which (gasp) are literally just around the corner. There are hopefully going to be a lot of new beginnings.
So on Sept 6th, the boys and I will all have our first day of school Jaden will be in 1st grade, Asher in kindergarten, and I will be a freshman at college. My goal is to get my 2yr associates in accounting at KVCC and then an 18mo bachelors at Spring Arbor. I've always been good w/numbers, and it's something I actually enjoy. Customer service is just NOT for me. TruGreen and DirecTv have really jaded me. It's really made me realize that our culture has it's priorities totally screwed up! Everyone wants everything for free, they can't afford it but heaven forbid they live w/out it, and they're just rude. Honestly, I've lived w/out tv for several years, and I probably won't keep it now that I won't be getting it for free anymore. And lawn care...that would never be a priority for me. My motto was let it burn so I don't have to mow it lol. I know, I didn't have the prettiest lawn on the block, but honestly, I don't care.
Ok, enough of my venting :) Don't get me started...right? lol Honestly though, I feel like God finally put everything in order to make this possible. We finally live in a place where my rent will adjust to my income, so I don't have to worry about that. I have a good solid vehicle which I haven't been able to say in years. The boys are both in school, so I can take classes the same time they'll be in school. I just feel really blessed. Not many people get a chance like this. Most single moms would be working the FT job and going to school FT so they'd never see their kids. And anyone who knows me, knows that's NOT the life I ever want!! My kids drive me insane some days, but I wouldn't survive w/out having time w/them.
So wish me luck as I start this new journey in my life. Hopefully my 30s will bring a diploma, a job I enjoy, hopefully a husband, and who knows, maybe even my little girl :) But that's the fun of starting a new chapter in life, the possibilities are endless!!
So on Sept 6th, the boys and I will all have our first day of school Jaden will be in 1st grade, Asher in kindergarten, and I will be a freshman at college. My goal is to get my 2yr associates in accounting at KVCC and then an 18mo bachelors at Spring Arbor. I've always been good w/numbers, and it's something I actually enjoy. Customer service is just NOT for me. TruGreen and DirecTv have really jaded me. It's really made me realize that our culture has it's priorities totally screwed up! Everyone wants everything for free, they can't afford it but heaven forbid they live w/out it, and they're just rude. Honestly, I've lived w/out tv for several years, and I probably won't keep it now that I won't be getting it for free anymore. And lawn care...that would never be a priority for me. My motto was let it burn so I don't have to mow it lol. I know, I didn't have the prettiest lawn on the block, but honestly, I don't care.
Ok, enough of my venting :) Don't get me started...right? lol Honestly though, I feel like God finally put everything in order to make this possible. We finally live in a place where my rent will adjust to my income, so I don't have to worry about that. I have a good solid vehicle which I haven't been able to say in years. The boys are both in school, so I can take classes the same time they'll be in school. I just feel really blessed. Not many people get a chance like this. Most single moms would be working the FT job and going to school FT so they'd never see their kids. And anyone who knows me, knows that's NOT the life I ever want!! My kids drive me insane some days, but I wouldn't survive w/out having time w/them.
So wish me luck as I start this new journey in my life. Hopefully my 30s will bring a diploma, a job I enjoy, hopefully a husband, and who knows, maybe even my little girl :) But that's the fun of starting a new chapter in life, the possibilities are endless!!
7.10.2011
What do you think?
Asher Lee. Some days, that's all I have to say for someone to know what I mean. This child can drive me crazy!!! He is so similar to me, which is good and bad. One on hand, I understand him because we ARE so much alike. But then again, he drives me crazy because he DOES have my personality. He can melt my heart w/a look, but he can also get me beyond irritated. He daily is teaching me something new about myself and teaching me patience like I've never know before.
I say all the time that he's lucky I love him and that he's so cute because he has been a challenging child from birth. When he was an infant, I literally wanted to leave him on the side of the road at times. He cried all the time and never wanted to be comforted. As he got older, he seemed very mischievous, aggressive, and all around just like a very naughty child. In fact, most people would write him off as a very naughty child.
But, I have taken a lot of time to learn what makes him tick. Honestly, I wish my parents had done the same w/me, versus writing me off as a naughty child. Watching Asher grow and change as I learn what works best w/him has just been not only very rewarding but also bonded us. Still there are days like today, when I'd again be willing to put him out on the side of the road. Nothing I say gets through to him. He has a mind of his own. He's not listening. He's all over the place. He's down right frustrating!!
As I went to make a facebook status stating that he's lucky I love him unconditionally, it hit me. I wonder how often God feels the same about me? True, He already knows what makes me tick because He made me. But, He's constantly working w/me, trying to help me work through the rough edges, to use what can come off as bad for the good. Does He ever want to put me on the side of the road, or say I'm a lost cause??
All I can say is that I'm thankful I have a Father who loves me unconditionally, because if He weren't God He probably would feel the way I do. He'd probably want to bang His head against the wall and maybe He still does at times, who knows :)
This morning's message was about changing the way you think, which is really what I think God would have me be doing at this stage in my life. There are SO many things that were ingrained in me as a child. "Accept whatever a family member does because they're family." Using the "you have to forgive no matter what" as a get out of jail free card to literally put myself and my children in harms way. "You're fat." "You'll never get it." "You're divorced which not only makes you a failure but also makes you a bad mom." While I may have to love even my enemies because it's commanded, does not mean I have to live in a dysfunctional, harmful environment. While I maybe divorce, does not mean that I'm a bad mom. While my body isn't perfect, does not mean I can't be happy w/who I am. While I may struggle w/things, does not mean I'll never succeed. Nothing was ever good enough. Nothing was ever right. Those thought patterns have haunted me for 29 years. And while I've done a lot to get myself and my children out of negative environments, does not meant that those thoughts have not controlled my life hence hindering me to be fully what God has intended for me.
I pray that God will continue to have patience w/me as I try to change what was known into what He would have me know. That I am loved, that I am forgiven, that I am precious, that I was made by Him w/love, that no matter what I do, He will never leave my side.
So what have you learned about yourself lately and what is God trying to get through to you??
6.30.2011
6.11.2011
hello blogging world
Wow, I'm not sure if anyone still reads these. W/FB, who really needs to anymore?
Anyways, we have officially made it through the end of a school year. Asher made it through preschool. He was loved by his teachers and classmates. He decided through out the course of the year, that earth and recycling are his new thing, and hence blue and green are now his favorite colors. It's hard to say w/Asher whether or not we've made progress this year. Some days/weeks, I feel like he's doing good, and then we have our set backs which make me feel like we've lost all the progress we'd ever made. He hasn't gained any weight in the past year, in fact, he's lost a pound. His one meds that help focus cause him to not want to eat. So, he's on a med that helps him eat, but still he's not gaining. And then he has his meds that help him sleep. We went so long w/out medication, and now I'm beginning to feel like a pharmacy between all of us. But Asher w/meds is WAY better than Asher w/out meds. This year was the first year he actually made friends at school. And, his teachers only had 2 meltdowns from him all year which is a miracle! He still goes to OT once a week. He now goes through WMU, and we've been really impressed w/their program! Once summer hits, he'll be entering another program that helps w/social interaction. He'll be doing art which we think he'll thoroughly enjoy so maybe he won't realize he's being taught skills at the same time and not fight the system. I think he's ready for kindergarten. The question is, is kindergarten ready for him??
Jaden graduates kindergarten on Monday. He's SO ready to be done w/school. It is not his favorite place to be. The poor guy has a long 12years ahead of him :( He really struggled making friends this year which broke my heart. It's not that the kids don't like him, because they do. He's just SO sensitive! If something doesn't go his way, he feels like they don't like him anymore. And he has become extremely shy. I don't remember him ever being so shy. It's almost like him and Asher switched in that aspect. Because Asher used to HATE new places, but now he's not afraid of anything which isn't always the best. And Jaden isn't wanting to be left alone in unfamiliar places. He's getting so big! That boys is solid! I know he's going to play some type of sport, and I'm sure he'll be great at it. We're thinking of getting him into soccer in the fall.
We did finally move PRAISE GOD! Right as the end of my contract at the last place ended, I got the call that the place I'd been waiting on for 2.5 years was finally opened. We are SOOOO happy here!! I have a 3 bedroom townhome w/a basement. I have my washer/dryer back. No dishwasher, but I'm surviving :) I love being able to have the boys' toys downstairs, out of sight, out of mind. Plus, now that I took apart the bunkbeds, Asher actually sleeps in his bed all night because when he wakes up, he can see brother. I have parking every time I come home, the same spot, every time. There really isn't anything I dislike about the new place accept for that it doesn't have central a/c, but I'm making do w/my portable a/c's.
I do finally have a sitter that I absolutely adore. The first sitter gave Asher 3rd degree burns, the next lasted a week, the one after that was hired in as a temporary to buy me time, the one after that wanted a week off every month, and now we have Jessica. She handles the boys so well, she never complains, she's there when I need her, she thinks of the boys outside of the home. I just can't talk highly enough about her. I'm SO glad God brought her to us.
As for me, I'm still working from home. I'm currently working for DirecTv. And, while I LOVE working from home, not having to deal w/others attitudes and mistakes, and only being responsible for myself.....I HATE DirecTv. I just am not a good sales person. They have quotas up the wazoo we have to meet, and I'm just not hitting them. So...the goal is, come the fall, I'm going back to school FT. I am not getting ahead in life as far as jobs go. And, I'm stuck in a career field that I don't enjoy one bit at all. But, I can't get anything else, because it's all I have experience in. So, I applied for a grant, and I'm taking the money and going to KVCC for two years w/the plans to do an excelerated bachelor's degree at Spring Arbor. I'm hoping to find something that not only will pay the bills, but that I will actually enjoy. I'm tired of dreading going to work everyday. I go because I have to support my family, but I'd like to take joy in what I do. I'm starting a single mom's group at my church. I'm pretty excited about that. Hoping to make a some new friends and branch out a bit. I got a new car w/this year's tax refund. An '03 Honda Element. I LOVE IT!!! The seats fold completely flat against the walls which made it very handy when it came time to move. It's much better on gas, the boys have tons of foot room, and it's a stick shift so it's fun to drive. I'm thinking of starting Pampered Chef back up w/my mom if she's willing.
All in all, I'm ready for summer to be here, and I'm almost ready for it to be over. I've never looked forward to going back to school so much in my life. Praying that everything works out. Drop me a line to let me know if you still read from time to time. Maybe I'll try to keep it more up to date if I know someone actually still comes here :)
Anyways, we have officially made it through the end of a school year. Asher made it through preschool. He was loved by his teachers and classmates. He decided through out the course of the year, that earth and recycling are his new thing, and hence blue and green are now his favorite colors. It's hard to say w/Asher whether or not we've made progress this year. Some days/weeks, I feel like he's doing good, and then we have our set backs which make me feel like we've lost all the progress we'd ever made. He hasn't gained any weight in the past year, in fact, he's lost a pound. His one meds that help focus cause him to not want to eat. So, he's on a med that helps him eat, but still he's not gaining. And then he has his meds that help him sleep. We went so long w/out medication, and now I'm beginning to feel like a pharmacy between all of us. But Asher w/meds is WAY better than Asher w/out meds. This year was the first year he actually made friends at school. And, his teachers only had 2 meltdowns from him all year which is a miracle! He still goes to OT once a week. He now goes through WMU, and we've been really impressed w/their program! Once summer hits, he'll be entering another program that helps w/social interaction. He'll be doing art which we think he'll thoroughly enjoy so maybe he won't realize he's being taught skills at the same time and not fight the system. I think he's ready for kindergarten. The question is, is kindergarten ready for him??
Jaden graduates kindergarten on Monday. He's SO ready to be done w/school. It is not his favorite place to be. The poor guy has a long 12years ahead of him :( He really struggled making friends this year which broke my heart. It's not that the kids don't like him, because they do. He's just SO sensitive! If something doesn't go his way, he feels like they don't like him anymore. And he has become extremely shy. I don't remember him ever being so shy. It's almost like him and Asher switched in that aspect. Because Asher used to HATE new places, but now he's not afraid of anything which isn't always the best. And Jaden isn't wanting to be left alone in unfamiliar places. He's getting so big! That boys is solid! I know he's going to play some type of sport, and I'm sure he'll be great at it. We're thinking of getting him into soccer in the fall.
We did finally move PRAISE GOD! Right as the end of my contract at the last place ended, I got the call that the place I'd been waiting on for 2.5 years was finally opened. We are SOOOO happy here!! I have a 3 bedroom townhome w/a basement. I have my washer/dryer back. No dishwasher, but I'm surviving :) I love being able to have the boys' toys downstairs, out of sight, out of mind. Plus, now that I took apart the bunkbeds, Asher actually sleeps in his bed all night because when he wakes up, he can see brother. I have parking every time I come home, the same spot, every time. There really isn't anything I dislike about the new place accept for that it doesn't have central a/c, but I'm making do w/my portable a/c's.
I do finally have a sitter that I absolutely adore. The first sitter gave Asher 3rd degree burns, the next lasted a week, the one after that was hired in as a temporary to buy me time, the one after that wanted a week off every month, and now we have Jessica. She handles the boys so well, she never complains, she's there when I need her, she thinks of the boys outside of the home. I just can't talk highly enough about her. I'm SO glad God brought her to us.
As for me, I'm still working from home. I'm currently working for DirecTv. And, while I LOVE working from home, not having to deal w/others attitudes and mistakes, and only being responsible for myself.....I HATE DirecTv. I just am not a good sales person. They have quotas up the wazoo we have to meet, and I'm just not hitting them. So...the goal is, come the fall, I'm going back to school FT. I am not getting ahead in life as far as jobs go. And, I'm stuck in a career field that I don't enjoy one bit at all. But, I can't get anything else, because it's all I have experience in. So, I applied for a grant, and I'm taking the money and going to KVCC for two years w/the plans to do an excelerated bachelor's degree at Spring Arbor. I'm hoping to find something that not only will pay the bills, but that I will actually enjoy. I'm tired of dreading going to work everyday. I go because I have to support my family, but I'd like to take joy in what I do. I'm starting a single mom's group at my church. I'm pretty excited about that. Hoping to make a some new friends and branch out a bit. I got a new car w/this year's tax refund. An '03 Honda Element. I LOVE IT!!! The seats fold completely flat against the walls which made it very handy when it came time to move. It's much better on gas, the boys have tons of foot room, and it's a stick shift so it's fun to drive. I'm thinking of starting Pampered Chef back up w/my mom if she's willing.
All in all, I'm ready for summer to be here, and I'm almost ready for it to be over. I've never looked forward to going back to school so much in my life. Praying that everything works out. Drop me a line to let me know if you still read from time to time. Maybe I'll try to keep it more up to date if I know someone actually still comes here :)
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