The Christmas Spirit

With Christmas upon us, most of us, if we haven't already, can't wait to start decorating the tree and playing the Christmas music we love. To put the lights up, and get our nativity sets out to remind us of the real reason for Christmas. Lists are made, what to get for kids, spouse, family members. It's a time of love, traditions and family.
Unless of course you're in my family. This year, my family decided that since I won't allow my children to be around my abusive father, that they would vote me out of Christmas. Because obviously, in protecting myself and my children from any future harm, I'm choosing not to be apart of my family. This being really the one time of year my kids can count on seeing their cousins, is now being taken away from them. Merry Christmas, right?
While trying to not let the bitterness of the injustice overrule my life, I have to remind myself what is really important. Christmas truly is about celebrating the birth of Christ, and my children and I can do that with or without family present. It is about spreading Christ's love, which the boys have chosen to do a gift box for a child through church. And the most important thing of all is my boys. God couldn't have entrusted me with anything more precious, and the more for me if I don't have to share :)
My prayer for myself this Christmas season, is that God can help me overcome the bitterness that is trying to steal my joy and has stolen my joy for too long now. And that He will show me a love that can only come through Him. My prayer for everyone else is that you try to see things not through your eyes, and not necessarily through the eyes of others, though that helps. But that you can see through Christ's eyes, eyes of unconditional love and compassion.
Merry Christmas!

bragging rights

I get bragging rights every once in a while, right? I'm just so impressed w/how well all of us are doing this year in school. Jaden LOVES 1st grade. He really didn't like kindergarten so I was afraid he'd hate 1st grade even more. But, he hasn't gotten in trouble once and is averaging the grades I expected him to. Asher is loving kindergarten, though I must say I'm not surprised. He thrives on structure. The only thing I was worried about was that it was full day, bc he took naps all the way up to school. But, w/having his meds adjusted, he's able to make it just fine through the school day. All his teachers and even the lunch parents think he's just the cutest. I too am doing very well, surprisingly so. I'm at 100% in my accounting class for everything. Just confirms that accounting is where I should be! I'm in the 90s for my english and business class. I honestly don't know where I'm at for my sociology class. That class is a bit of a struggle, so I'd guess I'm in the lower 90s/higher 80s in that class.
I'm still not working. I'm focusing totally on schooling right now. I want to go FT and get my two years at KVCC done. There is a lady at my church who is going to be starting her business hopefully January of next year, and she's discussed about bringing me on when she starts. That would be awesome!! Not sure how, but God has been providing, and we're staying afloat. We are truly blessed!
I also started up a single mom's group at my church in the summer. No one showed for summer, but I've had one regular this fall. I'm switching my days which seemed to be the issue for a lot of people, and I have 2-4 possibilities to start coming. I'm SO excited!! I absolutely love my church, and while I know people, I didn't feel really connected. But starting this group as been a good growth step for me, and it's helped me get connected. I have some great ladies at church who are just an awesome support system for me. Really, I'm blessed!

I am from a Masquarde

I am from a prison masquerading as a home
From no freedom and unspeakable abuse.
I am from Robert, my dad and Kathy, my mom
From walls that heard what outsiders weren't allowed.

I am from a family masquerading as Christians
From hypocrisy at it's finest.
I am from church every time the doors were open
From fake smiles to hide the fights on the way in.

I am from hour long lectures and sometimes just as long beatings
From near death at the hands of my father.
I am from "you're worthless, you can't do anything right"
From a loss of childhood.

I am from a grandmother who was the only one to stand up for me
From her early death, the loss of my hero.
I am from the death of my soul
From what could have, should have been the death of me.

I am from all of these things
But I am not dead.
I am alive, strong, and independent.
I am to my children what I never had
I am the end of a cycle, a survivor.


This is my first English assignment. I know it's taboo to speak of such things in public, but I thought it turned out really well. And it is what it is. This is my past, it can't be changed, and I am the person I am today because of it.

it's official

I am officially done working! I worked last monday, had PTO the rest of the week, and now I'm done. It's a little scary, but for the next chapter in my life, I will be focusing on getting a degree and taking care of my boys. I honestly can not wait for my thirties, which (gasp) are literally just around the corner. There are hopefully going to be a lot of new beginnings.
So on Sept 6th, the boys and I will all have our first day of school Jaden will be in 1st grade, Asher in kindergarten, and I will be a freshman at college. My goal is to get my 2yr associates in accounting at KVCC and then an 18mo bachelors at Spring Arbor. I've always been good w/numbers, and it's something I actually enjoy. Customer service is just NOT for me. TruGreen and DirecTv have really jaded me. It's really made me realize that our culture has it's priorities totally screwed up! Everyone wants everything for free, they can't afford it but heaven forbid they live w/out it, and they're just rude. Honestly, I've lived w/out tv for several years, and I probably won't keep it now that I won't be getting it for free anymore. And lawn care...that would never be a priority for me. My motto was let it burn so I don't have to mow it lol. I know, I didn't have the prettiest lawn on the block, but honestly, I don't care.
Ok, enough of my venting :) Don't get me started...right? lol Honestly though, I feel like God finally put everything in order to make this possible. We finally live in a place where my rent will adjust to my income, so I don't have to worry about that. I have a good solid vehicle which I haven't been able to say in years. The boys are both in school, so I can take classes the same time they'll be in school. I just feel really blessed. Not many people get a chance like this. Most single moms would be working the FT job and going to school FT so they'd never see their kids. And anyone who knows me, knows that's NOT the life I ever want!! My kids drive me insane some days, but I wouldn't survive w/out having time w/them.
So wish me luck as I start this new journey in my life. Hopefully my 30s will bring a diploma, a job I enjoy, hopefully a husband, and who knows, maybe even my little girl :) But that's the fun of starting a new chapter in life, the possibilities are endless!!

What do you think?

Asher Lee. Some days, that's all I have to say for someone to know what I mean. This child can drive me crazy!!! He is so similar to me, which is good and bad. One on hand, I understand him because we ARE so much alike. But then again, he drives me crazy because he DOES have my personality. He can melt my heart w/a look, but he can also get me beyond irritated. He daily is teaching me something new about myself and teaching me patience like I've never know before.
I say all the time that he's lucky I love him and that he's so cute because he has been a challenging child from birth. When he was an infant, I literally wanted to leave him on the side of the road at times. He cried all the time and never wanted to be comforted. As he got older, he seemed very mischievous, aggressive, and all around just like a very naughty child. In fact, most people would write him off as a very naughty child.
But, I have taken a lot of time to learn what makes him tick. Honestly, I wish my parents had done the same w/me, versus writing me off as a naughty child. Watching Asher grow and change as I learn what works best w/him has just been not only very rewarding but also bonded us. Still there are days like today, when I'd again be willing to put him out on the side of the road. Nothing I say gets through to him. He has a mind of his own. He's not listening. He's all over the place. He's down right frustrating!!
As I went to make a facebook status stating that he's lucky I love him unconditionally, it hit me. I wonder how often God feels the same about me? True, He already knows what makes me tick because He made me. But, He's constantly working w/me, trying to help me work through the rough edges, to use what can come off as bad for the good. Does He ever want to put me on the side of the road, or say I'm a lost cause??
All I can say is that I'm thankful I have a Father who loves me unconditionally, because if He weren't God He probably would feel the way I do. He'd probably want to bang His head against the wall and maybe He still does at times, who knows :)
This morning's message was about changing the way you think, which is really what I think God would have me be doing at this stage in my life. There are SO many things that were ingrained in me as a child. "Accept whatever a family member does because they're family." Using the "you have to forgive no matter what" as a get out of jail free card to literally put myself and my children in harms way. "You're fat." "You'll never get it." "You're divorced which not only makes you a failure but also makes you a bad mom." While I may have to love even my enemies because it's commanded, does not mean I have to live in a dysfunctional, harmful environment. While I maybe divorce, does not mean that I'm a bad mom. While my body isn't perfect, does not mean I can't be happy w/who I am. While I may struggle w/things, does not mean I'll never succeed. Nothing was ever good enough. Nothing was ever right. Those thought patterns have haunted me for 29 years. And while I've done a lot to get myself and my children out of negative environments, does not meant that those thoughts have not controlled my life hence hindering me to be fully what God has intended for me.
I pray that God will continue to have patience w/me as I try to change what was known into what He would have me know. That I am loved, that I am forgiven, that I am precious, that I was made by Him w/love, that no matter what I do, He will never leave my side.
So what have you learned about yourself lately and what is God trying to get through to you??