Two Weeks till Goodbye

It's time to say goodbye. It will be right at the 5 month mark when we will say goodbye to the littlest. Her mom has done what she needs to do for the state to approve her to get the baby back, and unfortunately, I have no choice but to give away a part of my heart. People constantly ask me how I do it, and comment on how hard it must be and that they could never hand the child back. So, let me share a few things: First off, yes, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. I've given my heart to a child that wasn't mine, that I had no guarantee to get to keep. People say, keep your heart guarded, but you can't. That child needs all the love you can give it. It needs the security your love provides. It needs to know it's safe. Littlest and I have most definitely bonded. She looks for me when she hears my voice, the sight of me can calm her, and when I pick her up from the sitter, she smiles and starts babbling about her day. I love her as if I'd given birth to her. My boys adore her. They love coming home to see her and give her kisses. They help feed her and keep her entertained. They've been great big brothers! It's opened all of our hearts. For the past three weeks, she's been having over nights w/her mom to get her accustomed to going home. The first time, I had a full on panic attack after I left her. My chest was so tight, I had a headache, blurred vision, my legs were completely numb, and I was sobbing. I know she wasn't in harms way, but that was my baby that I was handing over. She'd never been away from me that long. I prayed! The next week was a little easier. My chest was tight, but I was able to keep myself composed. This week, I cried all the way to class, and as I type, I'm still crying. Yes, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. God gave me my hearts desire, and now I'm in the process of handing her back. The most often question I get is, will I do this again? And w/out hesitation, I say, YES! This has been the most life changing experience! Through this, I've learned to rely on God in all things. To know that He is our protector, our place of strength, and that He alone is in control. I've gotten to know the littlest's mom. In fact, we have a very good relationship. She's even asked me to be the littlest's God mom. She's started attending church w/me at the beginning of this month, and appears to want to continue. I know I've made an eternal difference in both of their lives. God has taught me how to be compassionate and less judgmental. It's very easy to want to judge this person who did bad things to get their child taken away, but thankfully God has won my heart. Otherwise, I truly wouldn't have made the full impact that He would have wanted. So yes, I will take more and allow myself to continue to be molded by Him. Does any of that make it any easier to deal with? I wish I could say yes, but no. My heart breaks daily, and daily I turn to God to bring healing. Please keep me in your prayers as her return date is Halloween. Keep my boys in your prayers as they will be giving back their little sister. Keep the littlest in your prayers that it will be a smooth transition for her. And most importantly, please keep her mom in your prayers. Pray that she will keep doing what she needs to do for this precious child. Pray that God will continue to work on her heart. Stay tuned...my journey isn't over yet :)

The Journey

When did my journey start? Lets see, I think anyone that has known me for any length of time, knows that being a mother has always been my life's calling. When I was little, I used to say I'd have 24 kids...12 natural and 12 adopted. I think my mom might have talked me down from that number, but a big family w/adopted children has always been my calling. When I started at KVCC to get my associates, I often wondered if I wasn't trusting God to take care of me in my life's mission of motherhood, but it felt like the right path at the right time. My boys were in school. I could go to school myself and still be available for them when they needed me, but the desire to adopt and add to my family never left. Being a single mother is hard, but it's never deterred me from following my callings. But while my calling started at a very young age, my journey started last November. November 3rd of last year, I felt God say, "it's time". Now, I had a plan that I thought I was supposed to be following. I was going to school, and the goal was to make it all the way to my Masters. After I got a stable job and moved us out of where we are now, I'd start the process to foster and adopt. But that night, going against MY plan, I got online and asked for info about doing foster care w/the intent to adopt. The next day, to my surprise, it was adoption Sunday. My pastor spoke on how adoption started w/the Christians in Egypt rescuing children who were literally being cast into dung piles to die. Then that week at my Bible study, it was about God's calling in your life, and I just cried at how I felt God was affirming His timing in all this. But, leave it to us humans to plant fear and doubt into others, and by the end of that week, I was wondering if I really felt God or just myself. That Sunday, my pastor spoke about how Satan uses fears to keep us from accomplishing what He has called us to. Can you say, "ok God, I hear you!" w/me?? I must say, God has worked like that through this whole process. I had friends who felt God leading them to buy me a crib. I found a dealer to do a straight up trade for my 4 seater Honda Element for an 8 seater Honda Pilot. I didn't put a penny down, and I don't owe a penny. I had people come out of the woodwork to write reference letters to help get me approved. Every single one of our family's doctors signed off on the process w/out hesitation. God has just opened doors and moved mountains, and I've enjoyed watching Him work in this all. So the beginning of May, I was finally approved and received my notice in the mail that I was officially licensed to do foster care! Then the wait started. W/the goal of adopting, my heart's desire was for a young little girl. I wanted her to be young so that she would blend into our family easier, and of course, I've always wanted my little girl. But, I knew the wait for infants could be long. I felt my life was on hold, just waiting for that call. Then on May 29 at 11:30am, I got a call stating that an infant girl might be coming into custody, and would I take her if she did? Well, of course I said yes w/out hesitation! And then the waiting began again. Would the judge order the child out? What would she be like? Would she be a good baby? That day at 6pm, this beautiful, 1 week old, precious preemie weighing only 5 pounds and 2 ounces who was smaller than any baby I had ever seen was placed into my arms, and I've been hooked ever since. The littlest, as I refer to her, has been one of the best babies God could have ever given me. She's now over 7 pounds, but still a little peanut. She smiles and is starting to coo. Both Jaden and Asher just adore her!! She's fit in wonderfully in our lives and hearts. There is no definite as to whether or not we get to keep her at this point, but we pray for the situation and for her mother daily. We'll love on her for as long as God let's us, and I know we'll love on more. God is undeniably good, and I am beyond blessed!!!

Christmas Time

Are we seriously at the end of another year? I know I've said this before, but I really wish life would have gone this quickly back when I was in grade school. Now, I wish it would slow down a bit. My babies are growing up way too quickly. Asher, I think, is willing to be my baby a little longer at least lol. Gotta love that boy :) Holidays are usually pretty hard for me. For me, they are a huge reminder of everything I don't have any more. And, I'm not talking the physical things. I'm referring to family, family traditions...things of that nature. I will say, I'm doing the best this year than I've done in quite a few years. Last year was a very dark one for me. Thank God I had my boys! They were the only things keeping me alive. This year, I think I've accepted things a little more, had a much lighter school load, and I started physical therapy to help deal w/the constant pain I was in. As I write at 12:53 in the morning, I still haven't found a cure for my insomnia though lol. Hopefully that will come in time too :) The boys are doing well. Had a really rough patch w/Asher a few weeks back when we told him we had to switch OTs. He seems to be over it, but we'll find out when he actually starts his new OT this week. Jaden is starting OT as well. I know J at least is excited about this new change. I also transformed half of the basement into a little therapy room for them as well. They'll be able to go down there and throw balls, punch their bags, and jump on the trampoline when needed. "Heavy work" as it's referred to seems to work well w/both of them. I'd like to get a swing, but we'll see how that plays out. Possibly by the end of next year, we could have an official new member to our little family. I'm currently in the process of becoming licensed to do foster care w/the intent to adopt. It's always been something that I've felt called to do. My vision was to wait till after school, but I really felt like God was saying it was time and to trust Him. So, that's what I'm doing. I'm all in! And honestly, it feels good. I know some people think I'm crazy, but really, is that anything new? lol. As I look back on this past year, I'm just extremely grateful! I'm grateful that my children have made the transition into public schools so smoothly. I absolutely love Jaden's teacher. She's just a God-send w/him. I'm thankful that my doctor prescribed physical therapy. I know that sounds weird, but I was so stressed, my muscles so tight, that I was in constant pain which did not make for a happy me. In just over a month, I've made great improvement. I'm thankful for the relationships that I've been building in my church family. I was finally able to do a Bible study, and just had a great group of ladies to be with. But mostly, I'm thankful for my family, blood and not blood. My friend Crystal has really been great at letting us join her for all the traditional "family times" through out the year. Our children get along pretty well, so you can't ask for much more than that. And, I'm thankful for my boys. As always, their goal is to see who can give mommy grey hair first, but I love the little boogers none the less. They really are my pride and joy, even if that sounds cliche. As the year ends, I hope that all of you have something good to look back upon, something to be thankful for. This year, I'm going to try to do a jar and put notes every time something good happens in our lives. Then at the end of the year, I can really get a grasp of everything God has done for my family. Praying that all of you reading this are well and enjoying the holidays w/your loved ones as well. Merry Christmas!

Dyslexia

So Jaden struggled a lot in 1st grade with pretty much every subject except math. The kid loves math. I had been pushing to get him privately tested for a learning disability since around Christmas, and once they told us they were thinking of holding him back in 1st grade, I was adamant about getting him tested. The school did their testing and said he didn't qualify for any special help and probably had ADD. At the beginning of June, I had Jaden tested by the neurologist that tested Asher back in the day because she is highly respected in her field, and I felt she wouldn't throw just any label on him. I was hesitant to say that he had ADD, but I wasn't sure if maybe I felt that way because he wasn't as extreme as Asher. But even after the first initial visit, the neurologist agreed w/me that it didn't appear to be ADD. Turns out Jaden has a good IQ, does not have ADD, but does have dyslexia. I had honestly been asking that since he was in kindergarten because he would write things backwards, but everyone said that was normal. It was also determined that he is behind in his fine motor skills and needs some occupational therapy. So.....I decided to take the kids out of charter schools since they didn't see any need to give Jaden the extra help he requires, and I'm putting both boys in the public schools. I have honestly given homeschooling a lot of thought, but not sure I have the patience it would require. That and I need to finish KVCC before I could consider homeschooling them. My mom is doing some homeschooling w/him over the summer, which he seems to be taking to. It is just good to finally know what is holding Jaden back academically, and I'm hopeful w/the right help, he will be back on track in no time! Being a single mom of two boys w/special needs can be challenging, and I often ask God if He doesn't think just maybe He gave me a little more than I can handle. But, I wouldn't trade my boys for the world! Hopefully both boys adjust well to the upcoming changes.

well i'm 30

I FINALLY made it to 30!! Who would have thought that in 30yrs I would have lived through SO MUCH?!! I know I've said it before, but I sometimes wonder how I made it. Only by the grace of God, I can tell you that!
So what do my 30s hold for me?? The possibilities are endless! A college degree for sure, maybe a new husband, hopefully my little girl, a house w/a fenced in backyard, and maybe even foster children. I honestly don't know what all God has in store, but that's what's on my heart.
And hopefully some healing not only for myself but for my family. I say all the time, there isn't a single person who came out of my home growing up who doesn't need counseling. What that healing will look like? I don't know. Chances are, it won't look like the majority of my family thinks it should look like. What I do know is, that you can't change people or make them want to change, you can only change yourself. So my 30's will be a continuation of me working on myself, and hopefully becoming more of the mother/friend/person I want to be.
Bye bye 20's, you will not be missed!!!