And Then Love...

If ever I write a book (as many have encouraged me to do), I think that will be the title because it has been the title of my life. More recently, the title to my continued journey. As I came back to my blog, I realized it's been almost a year since I wrote, and I left off at a very trying time in my life. Last I wrote, I was sending the littlest home to be with her mom. My heart was breaking, not only for myself but for my children as we were handing back a part of our family. I knew it wouldn't be the last time, but also wasn't sure how we were going to cope. I cried a lot in the weeks after sending her home, and my boys did too. But thankfully, the littlest's mom has allowed us to stay a part of her life. She's in our home once a week. We celebrated Christmas and her first birthday with them. Our family was not shorted, but increased. God is good!! Since the littlest has returned, we've brought a few into the home. We had a one and two year old for about a month. We had considered keeping them long term, but they just weren't the right fit. Great kids, just didn't work for where we are now. New Year's Eve day we got another call, but not for the girl we were so hoping to bring home. This time it was for a week old little boy. My head said, it's not a girl, but then love said, he needs a home. I went and asked the boys if they'd be ok with bringing a boy into the home. They were both upset, as I could relate to, but I explained to them what I had to explain to myself. Yes, we got into foster care with the hopes to adopt a little girl, but mostly, to help care for little ones in their times of need. So, with hesitation all around, we said yes. He wasn't able to come home till the end of that week, but Mr. T has been with us ever since. And love has truly taken over! He is a very special needs little guy. It's the first placement where I've realized to be able to keep going, I HAVE to take time away to be by myself to recharge. He keeps us on the go full time, as if Asher wasn't full time in and of himself. But, Mr T has made his way not only into our home, but into our hearts. As always, we will love on him for as long as we can, and possibly forever with this little one. And as always, there will be more!! I finished my associates just after the littlest left the home. I took a break when I took Mr. T in because of how much work he required. But, I can say that I am returning to go towards my Bachelors in the fall. The boys are doing well, and enjoying their summer. Everything is working out for His plan, I'm just trying to keep up. As always, keep us in your prayers, and God bless!

Two Weeks till Goodbye

It's time to say goodbye. It will be right at the 5 month mark when we will say goodbye to the littlest. Her mom has done what she needs to do for the state to approve her to get the baby back, and unfortunately, I have no choice but to give away a part of my heart. People constantly ask me how I do it, and comment on how hard it must be and that they could never hand the child back. So, let me share a few things: First off, yes, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. I've given my heart to a child that wasn't mine, that I had no guarantee to get to keep. People say, keep your heart guarded, but you can't. That child needs all the love you can give it. It needs the security your love provides. It needs to know it's safe. Littlest and I have most definitely bonded. She looks for me when she hears my voice, the sight of me can calm her, and when I pick her up from the sitter, she smiles and starts babbling about her day. I love her as if I'd given birth to her. My boys adore her. They love coming home to see her and give her kisses. They help feed her and keep her entertained. They've been great big brothers! It's opened all of our hearts. For the past three weeks, she's been having over nights w/her mom to get her accustomed to going home. The first time, I had a full on panic attack after I left her. My chest was so tight, I had a headache, blurred vision, my legs were completely numb, and I was sobbing. I know she wasn't in harms way, but that was my baby that I was handing over. She'd never been away from me that long. I prayed! The next week was a little easier. My chest was tight, but I was able to keep myself composed. This week, I cried all the way to class, and as I type, I'm still crying. Yes, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. God gave me my hearts desire, and now I'm in the process of handing her back. The most often question I get is, will I do this again? And w/out hesitation, I say, YES! This has been the most life changing experience! Through this, I've learned to rely on God in all things. To know that He is our protector, our place of strength, and that He alone is in control. I've gotten to know the littlest's mom. In fact, we have a very good relationship. She's even asked me to be the littlest's God mom. She's started attending church w/me at the beginning of this month, and appears to want to continue. I know I've made an eternal difference in both of their lives. God has taught me how to be compassionate and less judgmental. It's very easy to want to judge this person who did bad things to get their child taken away, but thankfully God has won my heart. Otherwise, I truly wouldn't have made the full impact that He would have wanted. So yes, I will take more and allow myself to continue to be molded by Him. Does any of that make it any easier to deal with? I wish I could say yes, but no. My heart breaks daily, and daily I turn to God to bring healing. Please keep me in your prayers as her return date is Halloween. Keep my boys in your prayers as they will be giving back their little sister. Keep the littlest in your prayers that it will be a smooth transition for her. And most importantly, please keep her mom in your prayers. Pray that she will keep doing what she needs to do for this precious child. Pray that God will continue to work on her heart. Stay tuned...my journey isn't over yet :)

The Journey

When did my journey start? Lets see, I think anyone that has known me for any length of time, knows that being a mother has always been my life's calling. When I was little, I used to say I'd have 24 kids...12 natural and 12 adopted. I think my mom might have talked me down from that number, but a big family w/adopted children has always been my calling. When I started at KVCC to get my associates, I often wondered if I wasn't trusting God to take care of me in my life's mission of motherhood, but it felt like the right path at the right time. My boys were in school. I could go to school myself and still be available for them when they needed me, but the desire to adopt and add to my family never left. Being a single mother is hard, but it's never deterred me from following my callings. But while my calling started at a very young age, my journey started last November. November 3rd of last year, I felt God say, "it's time". Now, I had a plan that I thought I was supposed to be following. I was going to school, and the goal was to make it all the way to my Masters. After I got a stable job and moved us out of where we are now, I'd start the process to foster and adopt. But that night, going against MY plan, I got online and asked for info about doing foster care w/the intent to adopt. The next day, to my surprise, it was adoption Sunday. My pastor spoke on how adoption started w/the Christians in Egypt rescuing children who were literally being cast into dung piles to die. Then that week at my Bible study, it was about God's calling in your life, and I just cried at how I felt God was affirming His timing in all this. But, leave it to us humans to plant fear and doubt into others, and by the end of that week, I was wondering if I really felt God or just myself. That Sunday, my pastor spoke about how Satan uses fears to keep us from accomplishing what He has called us to. Can you say, "ok God, I hear you!" w/me?? I must say, God has worked like that through this whole process. I had friends who felt God leading them to buy me a crib. I found a dealer to do a straight up trade for my 4 seater Honda Element for an 8 seater Honda Pilot. I didn't put a penny down, and I don't owe a penny. I had people come out of the woodwork to write reference letters to help get me approved. Every single one of our family's doctors signed off on the process w/out hesitation. God has just opened doors and moved mountains, and I've enjoyed watching Him work in this all. So the beginning of May, I was finally approved and received my notice in the mail that I was officially licensed to do foster care! Then the wait started. W/the goal of adopting, my heart's desire was for a young little girl. I wanted her to be young so that she would blend into our family easier, and of course, I've always wanted my little girl. But, I knew the wait for infants could be long. I felt my life was on hold, just waiting for that call. Then on May 29 at 11:30am, I got a call stating that an infant girl might be coming into custody, and would I take her if she did? Well, of course I said yes w/out hesitation! And then the waiting began again. Would the judge order the child out? What would she be like? Would she be a good baby? That day at 6pm, this beautiful, 1 week old, precious preemie weighing only 5 pounds and 2 ounces who was smaller than any baby I had ever seen was placed into my arms, and I've been hooked ever since. The littlest, as I refer to her, has been one of the best babies God could have ever given me. She's now over 7 pounds, but still a little peanut. She smiles and is starting to coo. Both Jaden and Asher just adore her!! She's fit in wonderfully in our lives and hearts. There is no definite as to whether or not we get to keep her at this point, but we pray for the situation and for her mother daily. We'll love on her for as long as God let's us, and I know we'll love on more. God is undeniably good, and I am beyond blessed!!!

Christmas Time

Are we seriously at the end of another year? I know I've said this before, but I really wish life would have gone this quickly back when I was in grade school. Now, I wish it would slow down a bit. My babies are growing up way too quickly. Asher, I think, is willing to be my baby a little longer at least lol. Gotta love that boy :) Holidays are usually pretty hard for me. For me, they are a huge reminder of everything I don't have any more. And, I'm not talking the physical things. I'm referring to family, family traditions...things of that nature. I will say, I'm doing the best this year than I've done in quite a few years. Last year was a very dark one for me. Thank God I had my boys! They were the only things keeping me alive. This year, I think I've accepted things a little more, had a much lighter school load, and I started physical therapy to help deal w/the constant pain I was in. As I write at 12:53 in the morning, I still haven't found a cure for my insomnia though lol. Hopefully that will come in time too :) The boys are doing well. Had a really rough patch w/Asher a few weeks back when we told him we had to switch OTs. He seems to be over it, but we'll find out when he actually starts his new OT this week. Jaden is starting OT as well. I know J at least is excited about this new change. I also transformed half of the basement into a little therapy room for them as well. They'll be able to go down there and throw balls, punch their bags, and jump on the trampoline when needed. "Heavy work" as it's referred to seems to work well w/both of them. I'd like to get a swing, but we'll see how that plays out. Possibly by the end of next year, we could have an official new member to our little family. I'm currently in the process of becoming licensed to do foster care w/the intent to adopt. It's always been something that I've felt called to do. My vision was to wait till after school, but I really felt like God was saying it was time and to trust Him. So, that's what I'm doing. I'm all in! And honestly, it feels good. I know some people think I'm crazy, but really, is that anything new? lol. As I look back on this past year, I'm just extremely grateful! I'm grateful that my children have made the transition into public schools so smoothly. I absolutely love Jaden's teacher. She's just a God-send w/him. I'm thankful that my doctor prescribed physical therapy. I know that sounds weird, but I was so stressed, my muscles so tight, that I was in constant pain which did not make for a happy me. In just over a month, I've made great improvement. I'm thankful for the relationships that I've been building in my church family. I was finally able to do a Bible study, and just had a great group of ladies to be with. But mostly, I'm thankful for my family, blood and not blood. My friend Crystal has really been great at letting us join her for all the traditional "family times" through out the year. Our children get along pretty well, so you can't ask for much more than that. And, I'm thankful for my boys. As always, their goal is to see who can give mommy grey hair first, but I love the little boogers none the less. They really are my pride and joy, even if that sounds cliche. As the year ends, I hope that all of you have something good to look back upon, something to be thankful for. This year, I'm going to try to do a jar and put notes every time something good happens in our lives. Then at the end of the year, I can really get a grasp of everything God has done for my family. Praying that all of you reading this are well and enjoying the holidays w/your loved ones as well. Merry Christmas!

Dyslexia

So Jaden struggled a lot in 1st grade with pretty much every subject except math. The kid loves math. I had been pushing to get him privately tested for a learning disability since around Christmas, and once they told us they were thinking of holding him back in 1st grade, I was adamant about getting him tested. The school did their testing and said he didn't qualify for any special help and probably had ADD. At the beginning of June, I had Jaden tested by the neurologist that tested Asher back in the day because she is highly respected in her field, and I felt she wouldn't throw just any label on him. I was hesitant to say that he had ADD, but I wasn't sure if maybe I felt that way because he wasn't as extreme as Asher. But even after the first initial visit, the neurologist agreed w/me that it didn't appear to be ADD. Turns out Jaden has a good IQ, does not have ADD, but does have dyslexia. I had honestly been asking that since he was in kindergarten because he would write things backwards, but everyone said that was normal. It was also determined that he is behind in his fine motor skills and needs some occupational therapy. So.....I decided to take the kids out of charter schools since they didn't see any need to give Jaden the extra help he requires, and I'm putting both boys in the public schools. I have honestly given homeschooling a lot of thought, but not sure I have the patience it would require. That and I need to finish KVCC before I could consider homeschooling them. My mom is doing some homeschooling w/him over the summer, which he seems to be taking to. It is just good to finally know what is holding Jaden back academically, and I'm hopeful w/the right help, he will be back on track in no time! Being a single mom of two boys w/special needs can be challenging, and I often ask God if He doesn't think just maybe He gave me a little more than I can handle. But, I wouldn't trade my boys for the world! Hopefully both boys adjust well to the upcoming changes.

well i'm 30

I FINALLY made it to 30!! Who would have thought that in 30yrs I would have lived through SO MUCH?!! I know I've said it before, but I sometimes wonder how I made it. Only by the grace of God, I can tell you that!
So what do my 30s hold for me?? The possibilities are endless! A college degree for sure, maybe a new husband, hopefully my little girl, a house w/a fenced in backyard, and maybe even foster children. I honestly don't know what all God has in store, but that's what's on my heart.
And hopefully some healing not only for myself but for my family. I say all the time, there isn't a single person who came out of my home growing up who doesn't need counseling. What that healing will look like? I don't know. Chances are, it won't look like the majority of my family thinks it should look like. What I do know is, that you can't change people or make them want to change, you can only change yourself. So my 30's will be a continuation of me working on myself, and hopefully becoming more of the mother/friend/person I want to be.
Bye bye 20's, you will not be missed!!!

2012

Is it really a new year?? Hard to believe we made it through another year, or should I say, I made it through another year. The end of last year, put me in probably one of the darkest places I have been in quite some time. There were days, that if I hadn't had 2 little boys depending on me, I'm not sure I would have made it through to 2012. Thank God for all the prayers and support that was showered down on me during that time. And thank God for healing that could only come through Him.
Last year had a lot in it. Started out the year working at home and was let go in August. FINALLY moved into housing I'd been waiting for over 2yrs to get into. Started back to school, and got not one, not two, but FOUR 4.0's my first semester. Yeah, I'm pretty proud of that one :) When I thought things couldn't get any worse w/my family, they did. Asher lost his first tooth. Jaden started cub scouts and LOVES it. There was a lot of change, a lot of hurt, and a lot of growth.
I'm still learning that you can't make anyone change, nor can you make them see the writing on the wall, especially when they know nothing else. You can only be responsible for yourself. I'm working on learning to forgive, not for anyone else, but for the freedom it'll bring to myself. Making me a better person, and more importantly a better mom. Really started zoning in on trying to learn unconditional love, and learning how to show love to my boys effectively.
For 2012, I'm trusting God for some miracles. He knows what I have on my heart, and He knows the great expectations I have. I'm hoping to keep my grades up, as I've set the bar pretty high for myself :) I'd really like to make it back to Florida again and have another family vacation as it's been 2yrs since our last. I'm turning 30 and looking forward to it!!! Really have some high hopes for 2012!
I pray that God not only blesses my family, but yours as well!! Here's some pictures to catch you up :)

The Christmas Spirit

With Christmas upon us, most of us, if we haven't already, can't wait to start decorating the tree and playing the Christmas music we love. To put the lights up, and get our nativity sets out to remind us of the real reason for Christmas. Lists are made, what to get for kids, spouse, family members. It's a time of love, traditions and family.
Unless of course you're in my family. This year, my family decided that since I won't allow my children to be around my abusive father, that they would vote me out of Christmas. Because obviously, in protecting myself and my children from any future harm, I'm choosing not to be apart of my family. This being really the one time of year my kids can count on seeing their cousins, is now being taken away from them. Merry Christmas, right?
While trying to not let the bitterness of the injustice overrule my life, I have to remind myself what is really important. Christmas truly is about celebrating the birth of Christ, and my children and I can do that with or without family present. It is about spreading Christ's love, which the boys have chosen to do a gift box for a child through church. And the most important thing of all is my boys. God couldn't have entrusted me with anything more precious, and the more for me if I don't have to share :)
My prayer for myself this Christmas season, is that God can help me overcome the bitterness that is trying to steal my joy and has stolen my joy for too long now. And that He will show me a love that can only come through Him. My prayer for everyone else is that you try to see things not through your eyes, and not necessarily through the eyes of others, though that helps. But that you can see through Christ's eyes, eyes of unconditional love and compassion.
Merry Christmas!

bragging rights

I get bragging rights every once in a while, right? I'm just so impressed w/how well all of us are doing this year in school. Jaden LOVES 1st grade. He really didn't like kindergarten so I was afraid he'd hate 1st grade even more. But, he hasn't gotten in trouble once and is averaging the grades I expected him to. Asher is loving kindergarten, though I must say I'm not surprised. He thrives on structure. The only thing I was worried about was that it was full day, bc he took naps all the way up to school. But, w/having his meds adjusted, he's able to make it just fine through the school day. All his teachers and even the lunch parents think he's just the cutest. I too am doing very well, surprisingly so. I'm at 100% in my accounting class for everything. Just confirms that accounting is where I should be! I'm in the 90s for my english and business class. I honestly don't know where I'm at for my sociology class. That class is a bit of a struggle, so I'd guess I'm in the lower 90s/higher 80s in that class.
I'm still not working. I'm focusing totally on schooling right now. I want to go FT and get my two years at KVCC done. There is a lady at my church who is going to be starting her business hopefully January of next year, and she's discussed about bringing me on when she starts. That would be awesome!! Not sure how, but God has been providing, and we're staying afloat. We are truly blessed!
I also started up a single mom's group at my church in the summer. No one showed for summer, but I've had one regular this fall. I'm switching my days which seemed to be the issue for a lot of people, and I have 2-4 possibilities to start coming. I'm SO excited!! I absolutely love my church, and while I know people, I didn't feel really connected. But starting this group as been a good growth step for me, and it's helped me get connected. I have some great ladies at church who are just an awesome support system for me. Really, I'm blessed!

I am from a Masquarde

I am from a prison masquerading as a home
From no freedom and unspeakable abuse.
I am from Robert, my dad and Kathy, my mom
From walls that heard what outsiders weren't allowed.

I am from a family masquerading as Christians
From hypocrisy at it's finest.
I am from church every time the doors were open
From fake smiles to hide the fights on the way in.

I am from hour long lectures and sometimes just as long beatings
From near death at the hands of my father.
I am from "you're worthless, you can't do anything right"
From a loss of childhood.

I am from a grandmother who was the only one to stand up for me
From her early death, the loss of my hero.
I am from the death of my soul
From what could have, should have been the death of me.

I am from all of these things
But I am not dead.
I am alive, strong, and independent.
I am to my children what I never had
I am the end of a cycle, a survivor.


This is my first English assignment. I know it's taboo to speak of such things in public, but I thought it turned out really well. And it is what it is. This is my past, it can't be changed, and I am the person I am today because of it.

it's official

I am officially done working! I worked last monday, had PTO the rest of the week, and now I'm done. It's a little scary, but for the next chapter in my life, I will be focusing on getting a degree and taking care of my boys. I honestly can not wait for my thirties, which (gasp) are literally just around the corner. There are hopefully going to be a lot of new beginnings.
So on Sept 6th, the boys and I will all have our first day of school Jaden will be in 1st grade, Asher in kindergarten, and I will be a freshman at college. My goal is to get my 2yr associates in accounting at KVCC and then an 18mo bachelors at Spring Arbor. I've always been good w/numbers, and it's something I actually enjoy. Customer service is just NOT for me. TruGreen and DirecTv have really jaded me. It's really made me realize that our culture has it's priorities totally screwed up! Everyone wants everything for free, they can't afford it but heaven forbid they live w/out it, and they're just rude. Honestly, I've lived w/out tv for several years, and I probably won't keep it now that I won't be getting it for free anymore. And lawn care...that would never be a priority for me. My motto was let it burn so I don't have to mow it lol. I know, I didn't have the prettiest lawn on the block, but honestly, I don't care.
Ok, enough of my venting :) Don't get me started...right? lol Honestly though, I feel like God finally put everything in order to make this possible. We finally live in a place where my rent will adjust to my income, so I don't have to worry about that. I have a good solid vehicle which I haven't been able to say in years. The boys are both in school, so I can take classes the same time they'll be in school. I just feel really blessed. Not many people get a chance like this. Most single moms would be working the FT job and going to school FT so they'd never see their kids. And anyone who knows me, knows that's NOT the life I ever want!! My kids drive me insane some days, but I wouldn't survive w/out having time w/them.
So wish me luck as I start this new journey in my life. Hopefully my 30s will bring a diploma, a job I enjoy, hopefully a husband, and who knows, maybe even my little girl :) But that's the fun of starting a new chapter in life, the possibilities are endless!!

What do you think?

Asher Lee. Some days, that's all I have to say for someone to know what I mean. This child can drive me crazy!!! He is so similar to me, which is good and bad. One on hand, I understand him because we ARE so much alike. But then again, he drives me crazy because he DOES have my personality. He can melt my heart w/a look, but he can also get me beyond irritated. He daily is teaching me something new about myself and teaching me patience like I've never know before.
I say all the time that he's lucky I love him and that he's so cute because he has been a challenging child from birth. When he was an infant, I literally wanted to leave him on the side of the road at times. He cried all the time and never wanted to be comforted. As he got older, he seemed very mischievous, aggressive, and all around just like a very naughty child. In fact, most people would write him off as a very naughty child.
But, I have taken a lot of time to learn what makes him tick. Honestly, I wish my parents had done the same w/me, versus writing me off as a naughty child. Watching Asher grow and change as I learn what works best w/him has just been not only very rewarding but also bonded us. Still there are days like today, when I'd again be willing to put him out on the side of the road. Nothing I say gets through to him. He has a mind of his own. He's not listening. He's all over the place. He's down right frustrating!!
As I went to make a facebook status stating that he's lucky I love him unconditionally, it hit me. I wonder how often God feels the same about me? True, He already knows what makes me tick because He made me. But, He's constantly working w/me, trying to help me work through the rough edges, to use what can come off as bad for the good. Does He ever want to put me on the side of the road, or say I'm a lost cause??
All I can say is that I'm thankful I have a Father who loves me unconditionally, because if He weren't God He probably would feel the way I do. He'd probably want to bang His head against the wall and maybe He still does at times, who knows :)
This morning's message was about changing the way you think, which is really what I think God would have me be doing at this stage in my life. There are SO many things that were ingrained in me as a child. "Accept whatever a family member does because they're family." Using the "you have to forgive no matter what" as a get out of jail free card to literally put myself and my children in harms way. "You're fat." "You'll never get it." "You're divorced which not only makes you a failure but also makes you a bad mom." While I may have to love even my enemies because it's commanded, does not mean I have to live in a dysfunctional, harmful environment. While I maybe divorce, does not mean that I'm a bad mom. While my body isn't perfect, does not mean I can't be happy w/who I am. While I may struggle w/things, does not mean I'll never succeed. Nothing was ever good enough. Nothing was ever right. Those thought patterns have haunted me for 29 years. And while I've done a lot to get myself and my children out of negative environments, does not meant that those thoughts have not controlled my life hence hindering me to be fully what God has intended for me.
I pray that God will continue to have patience w/me as I try to change what was known into what He would have me know. That I am loved, that I am forgiven, that I am precious, that I was made by Him w/love, that no matter what I do, He will never leave my side.
So what have you learned about yourself lately and what is God trying to get through to you??

Kindy Graduation

hello blogging world

Wow, I'm not sure if anyone still reads these. W/FB, who really needs to anymore?

Anyways, we have officially made it through the end of a school year. Asher made it through preschool. He was loved by his teachers and classmates. He decided through out the course of the year, that earth and recycling are his new thing, and hence blue and green are now his favorite colors. It's hard to say w/Asher whether or not we've made progress this year. Some days/weeks, I feel like he's doing good, and then we have our set backs which make me feel like we've lost all the progress we'd ever made. He hasn't gained any weight in the past year, in fact, he's lost a pound. His one meds that help focus cause him to not want to eat. So, he's on a med that helps him eat, but still he's not gaining. And then he has his meds that help him sleep. We went so long w/out medication, and now I'm beginning to feel like a pharmacy between all of us. But Asher w/meds is WAY better than Asher w/out meds. This year was the first year he actually made friends at school. And, his teachers only had 2 meltdowns from him all year which is a miracle! He still goes to OT once a week. He now goes through WMU, and we've been really impressed w/their program! Once summer hits, he'll be entering another program that helps w/social interaction. He'll be doing art which we think he'll thoroughly enjoy so maybe he won't realize he's being taught skills at the same time and not fight the system. I think he's ready for kindergarten. The question is, is kindergarten ready for him??

Jaden graduates kindergarten on Monday. He's SO ready to be done w/school. It is not his favorite place to be. The poor guy has a long 12years ahead of him :( He really struggled making friends this year which broke my heart. It's not that the kids don't like him, because they do. He's just SO sensitive! If something doesn't go his way, he feels like they don't like him anymore. And he has become extremely shy. I don't remember him ever being so shy. It's almost like him and Asher switched in that aspect. Because Asher used to HATE new places, but now he's not afraid of anything which isn't always the best. And Jaden isn't wanting to be left alone in unfamiliar places. He's getting so big! That boys is solid! I know he's going to play some type of sport, and I'm sure he'll be great at it. We're thinking of getting him into soccer in the fall.

We did finally move PRAISE GOD! Right as the end of my contract at the last place ended, I got the call that the place I'd been waiting on for 2.5 years was finally opened. We are SOOOO happy here!! I have a 3 bedroom townhome w/a basement. I have my washer/dryer back. No dishwasher, but I'm surviving :) I love being able to have the boys' toys downstairs, out of sight, out of mind. Plus, now that I took apart the bunkbeds, Asher actually sleeps in his bed all night because when he wakes up, he can see brother. I have parking every time I come home, the same spot, every time. There really isn't anything I dislike about the new place accept for that it doesn't have central a/c, but I'm making do w/my portable a/c's.

I do finally have a sitter that I absolutely adore. The first sitter gave Asher 3rd degree burns, the next lasted a week, the one after that was hired in as a temporary to buy me time, the one after that wanted a week off every month, and now we have Jessica. She handles the boys so well, she never complains, she's there when I need her, she thinks of the boys outside of the home. I just can't talk highly enough about her. I'm SO glad God brought her to us.

As for me, I'm still working from home. I'm currently working for DirecTv. And, while I LOVE working from home, not having to deal w/others attitudes and mistakes, and only being responsible for myself.....I HATE DirecTv. I just am not a good sales person. They have quotas up the wazoo we have to meet, and I'm just not hitting them. So...the goal is, come the fall, I'm going back to school FT. I am not getting ahead in life as far as jobs go. And, I'm stuck in a career field that I don't enjoy one bit at all. But, I can't get anything else, because it's all I have experience in. So, I applied for a grant, and I'm taking the money and going to KVCC for two years w/the plans to do an excelerated bachelor's degree at Spring Arbor. I'm hoping to find something that not only will pay the bills, but that I will actually enjoy. I'm tired of dreading going to work everyday. I go because I have to support my family, but I'd like to take joy in what I do. I'm starting a single mom's group at my church. I'm pretty excited about that. Hoping to make a some new friends and branch out a bit. I got a new car w/this year's tax refund. An '03 Honda Element. I LOVE IT!!! The seats fold completely flat against the walls which made it very handy when it came time to move. It's much better on gas, the boys have tons of foot room, and it's a stick shift so it's fun to drive. I'm thinking of starting Pampered Chef back up w/my mom if she's willing.

All in all, I'm ready for summer to be here, and I'm almost ready for it to be over. I've never looked forward to going back to school so much in my life. Praying that everything works out. Drop me a line to let me know if you still read from time to time. Maybe I'll try to keep it more up to date if I know someone actually still comes here :)

arguing w/God

Ok, here's my open and honest moment of this week....have you ever found a verse that you really wish you could argue w/God about but know you'd lose so it's pointless?? Yeah, I've been doing a lot of research during my time off from FB regarding certain things, and I found this scripture and wish it wouldn't be futile to argue about it.

2Corinthians 6: 14 Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? 15 What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever? 16 And what union can there be between God’s temple and idols? For we are the temple of the living God.

I always thought I knew the jist of this portion of scripture, but actually reading it made me realize I was a tad off. Ugggg!

just past a week

I am 1day past a week into my 21day fast. Along w/this fast, my pastor is doing a sermon series on seeking God, and I also just started a Beth Moore Bible study on the fruit of the Spirit. I must say this has been a powerful month so far, and we're only half way through it.
Convergys did offer me a job. At first they offered us a PT position w/a $2 an hr pay cut, that would fluctuate between 8a and 8p. Not the best scenario on many levels. After several of us emailed the recruiter asking if there was anything FT available to us, they changed the job to FT, but same pay same hours. I have yet to find a replacement babysitter, and you can only imagine how frustrating finding someone who could work w/those hours was for me. I would need someone who was willing to get the boys off to school, have 3hrs of free time, and then come back to get Asher off the bus. Nothing would be consistent, and well, no one could do the job. On the day I had my interview, I was telling the recruiter my predicament, and he told me that there was another shift available. That I could work between the hours of 2p-1a. Yeah, not the ideal hours, but it solved the problem of needing a sitter to be SO flexible. Since Shaun and I split almost 4yrs ago, this past 6mos has been the only time frame which I have worked days. I've always had to work nights because Shaun doesn't, and it's the only way to make daycare feasible for us.
I still do not have a babysitter. I have two ladies who are helping out just to buy me more time to interview. The drive for them is so long, that what I pay barely covers their gas, but Cat said she would do this for me because she wanted my boys to have someone who would be good, not just someone who would fill the position. I'm VERY thankful for them!!
Jaden is doing much better in school since Christmas break. Before Christmas break, he was on red at school for quite some time. We'd punished him every way we knew how, but it didn't seem to make a difference. After break, he's been on green every day. Maybe he just needed that break to recoup?
Asher had a sleep study down this week. We're thinking that he's not getting a deep enough sleep, which may also factor into many of his other issues. This child has definitely been a challenge, and I've been to more doctor's than I ever dreamed I would be. But, he is also the biggest blessing, and the biggest insight into my own life. I see so much of me in him. I just feel like I understand him like no one else can because we ARE so much alike. I love my boys!!
As for me personally, there is one issue in particular that I'm really struggling with. It's a door that I thought was closed, but was reopened by someone else. Now, I have to decide if it's God's will that I continue down that road, or if it's the devil trying to temp me during this time of rededicating my life. I'm really praying that God will lay it heavy on my heart so that there is NO misunderstanding, what His will is for me in this situation!

All the Poor and Powerless

The version my church does is WAY better than this one, but this is my new favorite worship song!

Day 1

So this is the first day of my church's 21day fast. This year I did a comfort fast. When I asked God what it would be He'd have me give up in order to spend more time w/Him and doing as He would have me, the answer was obvious. I gave up Facebook. As many of you know, I now live on Facebook especially now that I work from home and our phones are so dead.
It's funny how isolated I feel. Makes me wonder how I lived before FB existed since I've become so dependent upon it. But isn't that kinda the point? The first thing I do when I have news or am in need is go to FB. Have I let FB take place of going to God? Shouldn't He be the first one I go to w/things in my life??

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

After 3yrs, this ones dedicated to you babe! 17days and counting...

Reflecting

I guess this is the time of year when you think on the past year and more importantly on what you want for the new year. This year has not been void of it's up's and downs.

I started the year off w/out a job, devoting my time and energy to the boys. Jaden was finally released from his ENT after having his 4th surgery on his ears w/a clean bill of health! He also started wearing glasses which is still a challenge to get him to remember. Asher was released from speech therapy this school year. He continues to go to occupational therapy. He was diagnosed w/ADHD and a mood disorder. After looking into many other options and thinking long and hard, we decided to put Asher on meds. The changes I have seen in him has been amazing! He's able to focus on things a lot better. He can finish complete thoughts. He's much more controlled. He actually has friends this year at school! His teacher's love him. It just makes me so happy to see him flourish!

Half way through the year, I started my job w/Convergys. Working at home has been great!! I've really enjoyed getting to have the boys around. I get to see them on my breaks, and recently w/our phones being so dead, they're in and out of my room all the time interacting w/me.

I will say God has obviously been w/me all year, but the end of this year, especially this last month, His presence has been very obvious. I was told in November that I would possibly be losing my job again in January. I found out through unemployment that if at anytime during December I lost my job, that I would not be approved for unemployment. Obviously, that has been a huge fear of mine because of how slow our business has been that I would get laid off w/out the option of unemployment. But, it is January and not only have I not been laid off, but the odds of me getting assigned a new position is pretty good. Only thing is, the next job I get will probably be anywhere between a $2-$3 pay cut which would have been devastating for me.

Also in November, I got news that the housing I'd been waiting for for almost 2 years had denied my application. The housing was income based and would fluctuate based on what I was making at the time. Not only that, but it's a town house w/3 bedrooms and a basement. It would have been a huge blessing. So, not only was I facing losing my job but at the same time, found out the housing I'd been praying for had been denied. Well, I being the stubborn person that I am, submitted an appeal to their decision and put all my prayer warriors on it. I found out 4 days ago that my appeal was approved! The boys and I will now have a place to live that we won't lose if in fact I do lose my job.

And to top off the end of the year, my babysitter gave Asher 2nd degree burns on his foot. It was a complete accident, due to her stupidity, but an accident none the less. But the real problem was that she lied about it, and when Asher told me the truth, she still lied about it. And while I was considering what to do, she decided to quit giving me absolutely no notice. So I had Christmas break to find a sitter. I had only two interviews. One I thought for certain was the one I wanted, and the other I was unsure about. The one I was uncertain of turned out to really impress me. The one I thought I wanted never even came through for her interview. So I was down to one candidate whom I really did want, but I had a scare when she didn't respond to my message about the job offer, that I was going to be w/out a babysitter. But at the very last minute, she called back and accepted the position. The boys are thrilled!

I have just been praising God left and right this past month for everything He has done in my life. There are still uncertainties for 2011, but after all of this, I know God will see me through it all! God is good all the time and all the time God is good!